TRANSCRIPT EXTRACT: CAMPAIGN PHONE LINK.
DATE: 9/22/96 BEGIN INTERCEPT: 11:19 A.M.
STATIC. VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Rusty? Rusty, can you hear me?
STATIC. UNINTELLIGIBLE RESPONSE.
VPOTUS: Rusty?
STATIC. DEAD LINE.
VPOTUS: Damn satellite phones.
PHONE BEEPS. VPOTUS: Hello?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Who've I got here?
VPOTUS: This is Al Gore.
UNMALEV: Perfect. Just perfect. You with me?
VPOTUS: Who is this?
UNMALEV: Can't you recognize the voice? Thought my voice was more recognizable than the ears on my head. Perfect. This is beautiful. This is interesting. Can you follow me?
VPOTUS: Ross Perot?
UNMALEV: Got it right the first time. Now just let me finish. Will you let me finish? Hey, what's that clicking and whirring sound?
VPOTUS: It's my wife. She's on the plane with me. She's taking pictures for a new book.
UNMALEV: Huh. Isn't that interesting. I heard the same clicking and whirring during my daughter's wedding. Huh.
VPOTUS: How did you get this number, Ross?
HRP: Simplest thing in the world. Computers truly are the problem-solvers of our time. But I didn't get you on the blower to make your ears sweat. I want to know why you agreed to keep me out of the debates. Just give me a simple answer.
VPOTUS: Well, Ross --
HRP: Will you let me finish? Can I finish here? Or is it just you talking and the American people wondering who lit the barn on fire and got the marshmallows out too late? Five Republicans and five Democrats got together and decided to keep me out of the debates and let me be completely clear with you -- okay? -- I have my home in Dallas and my children's homes under complete protection by a private group of security personnel and my wife and myself are wearing football helmets lined with tin foil -- so do not -- I repeat do not -- attempt to alter our behavior with rays or beams from space because it won't work.
VPOTUS: Ross, I assure you, if it was up to me, I'd let you in the debates.
HRP: Of course you would. When you and I went on ``Larry King'' to debate NAFTA, it was very clear to the viewers -- and I have had a team of experts from countries that were once members of the Soviet bloc analyze the tape -- that you were wearing a tiny device in your ear.
VPOTUS: I was, Ross. So were you. So was Larry. When you appear on television, the producers give you an earpiece so they can communicate with you from the booth.
HRP: Can I finish? I have been in business for forty years. I know how TV works. Now what you've just done is take a cat, skin it, put the skin on your head, and meow, okay?
VPOTUS: I beg your pardon?
HRP: You had an earpiece in the other earpiece and the White House was feeding you the answers.
VPOTUS: I resent that, Ross. I won that debate fair and square.
HRP: Now here's where it gets interesting. Okay? Let me simplify. And let me make it clear that the football helmets that my wife and I wear cannot be penetrated by thought waves, okay? Absolutely no thoughts can enter or exit.
VPOTUS: Ross --
HRP: I'm pulling out of the race.
VPOTUS: What?
HRP: Okay, I'm back in the race. The point is simple. I'm not stupid and neither are the American people. What are my chances in November?
VPOTUS: Honestly? Not good.
HRP: Okay. Now we've toasted the bread. Let's spread the peanut butter. Follow me. What if I promise not to go after Bill Clinton?
VPOTUS: What?
HRP: Still slow on the uptake, aren't you? Let's simplify. I run. I debate. Clinton wins. Okay?
VPOTUS: Okay.
HRP: Double-click on the year 2000. My guess is you want to be President.
VPOTUS: Well . . .
HRP: Now I've got to wrap this up because it's hard to hear through the helmet. Here's what I'm saying. I would be honored if you would run in the year 2000 on the Reform Party ticket.
VPOTUS: What?
HRP: Think about it.
VPOTUS: Okay, but --
HRP: Can I finish please? Can I please finish? I have to go. I'm going to debate a couple of empty chairs on ``Larry King.'' If they interrupt me as much as you have, this is going to get interesting.
STATIC. END TRANSMISSION 11:35 AM.