The following is transcribed from intercepted U.S. Secret Service radio communications. Really, trust us.
Unidentified Secret Service Agent One: Gnawhide One to Formaldehyde Two. The bear is loose. Repeat, the bear is loose. Over.
Unidentified Secret Service Agent Two: Check that, Gnawhide One. If you’re referring to the president, please remember that POTUS’s code name is “Renegade.”
USSA1: POTUS and Valerie Jarrett have made clear he wants to be called “The Bear” now.
USSA2: Say again, Gnawhide One?USSA1:
POTUS and Valerie Jarrett specifically instructed that POTUS is to be referred to as “The Bear” until further notice.
USSA1: I don’t know, Formaldehyde Two. I guess they think it’s cute or something.
USSA2: They know the bear was traditionally the symbol of the Soviet Union, right?
USSA1: I didn’t bring that point up, Formaldehyde Two.
USSA2: Did anyone point out that he looks absolutely nothing like a bear?
USSA1: It did not come up in our brief conversation, Formaldehyde Two.
USSA2: The president looks more like . . . I don’t know, a stork or a flamingo or something. I mean, to get nicknamed “The Bear,” you have to look like Ed Schultz or you know, be big, stocky, something like that . . .
USSA1: I’m not getting into an argument about the aesthetics of it. He’s the POTUS, so if he wants to be called “The Bear,” he can be called “The Bear.” They’ve already set up the hashtag for his spontaneous deviations from schedule.
USSA2: If you’ve already decided upon a hashtag, doesn’t that mean that the deviation from the schedule isn’t that spontaneous?
USSA1: Look, Formaldehyde Two, I’m not going to stand here and debate this. You got the updated schedule for the Loose Bear, right?
USSA2: Let me double-check — “Drop by Pizza Joint the Way Millions of Ordinary Americans Do and Casually Demonstrate He’s Connected with the Concerns of the Middle Class”?
USSA1: Copy that.
USSA2: At that event, the Bear is scheduled to tell ordinary Americans how uninterested he is in photo-ops. Also, double-check the barriers, the White House press office said there’s going to be a crush of media in that room.