The following is transcribed from intercepted U.S. Secret Service radio communications. Really, trust us.
Unidentified Secret Service Agent One: Gnawhide One to Formaldehyde Two. The bear is loose. Repeat, the bear is loose. Over.
USSA1: POTUS and Valerie Jarrett have made clear he wants to be called “The Bear” now.
USSA2: Say again, Gnawhide One?
USSA1: I don’t know, Formaldehyde Two. I guess they think it’s cute or something.
USSA2: They know the bear was traditionally the symbol of the Soviet Union, right?
USSA1: I didn’t bring that point up, Formaldehyde Two.
USSA2: Did anyone point out that he looks absolutely nothing like a bear?
USSA1: It did not come up in our brief conversation, Formaldehyde Two.
USSA2: The president looks more like . . . I don’t know, a stork or a flamingo or something. I mean, to get nicknamed “The Bear,” you have to look like Ed Schultz or you know, be big, stocky, something like that . . .
USSA1: I’m not getting into an argument about the aesthetics of it. He’s the POTUS, so if he wants to be called “The Bear,” he can be called “The Bear.” They’ve already set up the hashtag for his spontaneous deviations from schedule.
USSA2: If you’ve already decided upon a hashtag, doesn’t that mean that the deviation from the schedule isn’t that spontaneous?
USSA1: Look, Formaldehyde Two, I’m not going to stand here and debate this. You got the updated schedule for the Loose Bear, right?
USSA2: Let me double-check — “Drop by Pizza Joint the Way Millions of Ordinary Americans Do and Casually Demonstrate He’s Connected with the Concerns of the Middle Class”?
USSA1: Copy that.
USSA2: At that event, the Bear is scheduled to tell ordinary Americans how uninterested he is in photo-ops. Also, double-check the barriers, the White House press office said there’s going to be a crush of media in that room.
USSA1: No time for a Q&A on the schedule, right?
USSA2: Correct. If he needs to, they’ll squeeze in another taped appearance with Zach Garaphan . . . Gala . . . you know, that guy.
USSA1: After pizza, the Bear will then loosely shake hands with the people outside, right?
USSA2: Yes. Please be aware that at least one ordinary American citizen waiting to shake the president’s hand is wearing a horse mask.
USSA1: Have we checked out the guy?
USSA1: Any threat?
USSA1: (sighing) Well, now I know where the other end of the horse is. Did I hear correctly that after the handshake line, the Bear will be loose again, this time heading to a pool hall?
USSA2: Affirmative. Be forewarned, the advance team indicated there’s a high probability that some individuals in the establishment will be smoking marijuana.
USSA1: Got it. Will the president be partaking as well?
USSA2: According to the advance memo, “not now.”
USSA1: What about the fundraiser afterwards?
USSA2: Should be a quick in-and-out. POTUS — er, The Bear — is scheduled to remark that he has to do all the work in Washington, that he never gets a break, that the Republicans in Congress are lazy and shirking their duties, and that the problems on the border are the fault of Boehner and McConn— er, wait, I’m sorry, I just got the new code names now. He’ll be blaming the Turtle and the Orangeman.
USSA1: Busy night.
USSA2: You said it. The morning shift said “The Bear” is now counting the days until the Martha’s Vineyard vacation.
USSA1: Please be advised, Formaldehyde Two, that “The Bear” is putting on a pair of mom jeans.
— Jim Geraghty writes the Campaign Spot on NRO and is the author of The Weed Agency.