It’s almost Valentine’s Day, which means that Social Justice Internet is pumping out advice for how to handle this “oppressive” holiday in the most politically correct way possible.

Here are five things that the SJWs are asking you to do this year:

1. Buy your “friend with benefits” a “‘No Means No’ conversation heart ring”

“Hopefully your booty call is just as into consent as you are (if they’re not, ditch ‘em quick),” women’s website Romper advises. “This “No Means No” conversation heart ring ($12.50) is a sweet little statement piece.”

(How romantic! Buying someone a gift to remind them to not rape you!)

Just one little thing: I kind of feel like being “into consent” is not something that exists in varying degrees — after all, you either are or are not a rapist — so “is just as into consent as you are” isn’t really a thing, and whether or not you’d ever want to wear such a weird piece of jewelry has actually nothing to do with that distinction.

2. Talk about diversity before sex because that can be “an aphrodisiac of sorts.”

J.W. Wiley, the chief diversity officer for SUNY Plattsburgh and the director of the Center for Diversity, Pluralism and Inclusion, explains that “some couples like intellectual seduction before they intimately retire for the evening,” and that a great way to spice things up is to talk about how “Valentine’s Day is a day we engage in diversity.”

“All romantic scenarios are diverse realities . . . any shared moments of romance, sex, love and/or marriage involve our multiple identities,” Wiley explains. “Our ability, race, gender, sexual orientation, socio-economic class, religion, ageism and privilege all affect who we see and how we’re seen.”

Wiley insists that this kind of discussion will be “an aphrodisiac of sorts for those couples who enjoy making love to each other’s minds before they embark on a sensual anatomical adventure.”

(Because nothing sounds hotter than “sensual anatomical adventure.”)

3. Celebrate all kinds of love because focusing on romantic love is offensive to asexuals.

Are you only celebrating with your boyfriend or girlfriend? If so, that’s offensive. According to Everyday Feminism, Valentine’s Day “promotes the idea that romantic and sexual relationships should be something that everyone aspires to,” which “marginalizes aromantic and asexual people.” So, make sure to give cards to your siblings and “ think deeply about the importance and beauty of non-romantic relationships.” Um . . . okay.

4. If you must celebrate, make sure to at least spend time thinking about how offensive the day is while you’re doing it.

In an op-ed in The Inkwell, Armstrong State University’s official student newspaper, Megan McGinnis clarifies that you actually can be a feminist and still “indulge in heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and gladly receive roses.”

Provided, of course, that you don’t forget to “recognize the negative aspects of the holiday and choose not to indulge our society’s archaic notions on gender and heteronormativity.”

Cool! Who says feminists don’t know how to have a good time?

5. Make sure to acknowledge that women also eat chips because people only ever talk about men eating chips and that’s a huge, sexist problem.

Yep.

I read an actual piece titled “Doritos’ ’ketchup roses’ advertisement assumes women don’t eat junk food,” written by a girl named Lizzy Hill who apparently loves, loves chips and was very upset that the ad for a Doritos rose bouquet had a woman giving it to a man, which “ignores the fact that women like to eat junk food too.”

“I’m sick of these junk food ads that focus on the tired ‘stoner guy’ demographic, completely neglecting their female consumers,” she writes.

Talk about a serious problem!

— Katherine Timpf is a reporter for National Review Online.