Explaining in the Morning
Meet Hollywood Sam.


ARGYLE: So, are you saying that Imus is a rabid, rabid, Elizabeth “send us your sympathy notes and we’ll hit you up for money” Edwards-fearing Republican/conservative/card-carrying member of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy?

SAM: What, are you stupid? Just because he publicly supported John Kerry in the last election, has called Dick Cheney a “war criminal,” and referred to Donald Rumsfeld as a “psychopath”? Look at the facts: Imus is a West Texas/New Mexico country boy/gun-toting ex-Marine/ former drug addict and alcoholic with residences in Manhattan; Westport, Conn.; and rural New Mexico, who once referred to correspondent Gwen Ifill as a “cleaning lady.“ Plus his wife, Deirdre, is a vegan. So what do you think that makes him?

ARGYLE: So, what happened to all those rabid, rabid, right-wing journalists and writers who appear regularly on Imus In the Morning? You know, Frank Rich, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Jonathan Alter, Howard Fineman, Chris Matthews, Mike Barnicle, Maureen Dowd, Jon Meacham, Sam the Explainer — you people. You’re standing up for him, for freedom of speech, and for the First Amendment, like you always do — right?

SAM: zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Huh?

ARGYLE: So, I’ve got a bad feeling about this script. Our main character, “Imus” is a wingnut cleverly posing as a moonbat, a mean-spirited bigoted racist homophobe whose radio show is predicated on equal-opportunity offensiveness, but the minute he crosses a line determined by Al “Tawana Brawley/Freddy‘s Fashion Mart” Sharpton and Jesse “Hymietown” Jackson,” he grovels like Little Egypt, recants like a defendant at a Stalinist show trial and gets a one-way ticket to Trent Lott Land. Whose sponsors pull out, who gets the boot from Keith Olbermann’s network and who’s left grasping at air like Hans Gruber after John McClane chucks him off Nakatomi Plaza?

SAM: And your question is?

ARGYLE: So, does that mean there are no principles anymore? Just situations? Invisible oxen just waiting to be, pardon the expression, gored?

SAM: Yes. That and $600 million in bearer bonds. Money talks, B.S. walks.

ARGYLE: So is Imus done?

SAM: Better ask my cousin, Morris the Explainer. I’m outta here.