Out here in California, we’re a little puzzled by the kerfuffle back east over “comprehensive immigration reform,” whatever that is. The great internecine ruckus among Chimpy McHitler, John McCain, Trent Lott, Lindsey Graham, Jon Kyl, Mitch McConnell, and a bunch of other senators not named Feinstein or Boxer means absolutely nothing to us. Why, just the other day some senator from Wyoming named Craig Thomas apparently died and we all said: Who? Anything the Republican party — almost extinct in the Golden State — wants to do to sink itself nationally is just fine with us.
You see, despite what you may read, “immigration” is simply not a contentious issue here; like Roe
, or the fact that The Sopranos
was the greatest TV show of all time, it’s settled law. For all practical purposes, most of Los Angeles is already part of Mexico and that’s just the way we like it. I mean, where else would we get our maids, gardeners, leaf blowers, and fast-food employees? From so-called “Anglo” America? No way, Jose! Somebody’s got to do the jobs kids from Bel Air and Pacific Palisades just shouldn’t have to do.
But don’t sweat it. For decades, those of us who grew up in California have been told to learn Spanish because some day it would be “useful.” Well, that day never came and it still hasn’t because nobody I know speaks a lick of Spanish beyond por favor, adios, amigo, and hasta la vista, baby. Sure, the Mexicans boo our soccer teams, riot in MacArthur Park, and yell at Arnold when he tells them to turn off the Spanish-language television programs and learn English — after all, what would he know about immigration? But mostly they stay in their barrios, well out of Paris Hilton’s way when she’s rocketing down Sunset Boulevard three sheets to the wind.
“Peaceful coexistence,” I believe the term is. You come to our neighborhoods when there’s menial work to be done and we won’t go to your neighborhoods, ever.
On the other hand, should any of our new immigrants actually want to work in industries that are, shall we say, reserved for, you know… us… the Writers Guild of America would take a very dim view of that. A few years back, when everyone was wringing his hands publicly (and doing absolutely nothing privately) about the dearth of African-American “above the line” talent — writers, directors, producers, etc. — some comedy writer cracked, “there will be blacks in Hollywood when there are Jews playing in the NBA.” Everybody chuckled, hardy har har, but nobody disagreed.
Since then, Hollywood has had its “black Oscars” (Denzel and Halle Berry) and, last this year, its “diversity Oscars.” But if, say, Mexican screenwriters started writing scripts American screenwriters just won’t write — and, worse, if those scripts actually got bought at cut-rate prices — there would be hell to pay. Even for us liberals, liberalism only goes so far, and when it starts threatening the Porsche payments…