Justice Kennedy: A One-Act Play
We've fist-bumped with history.


‘Thank you, thank you very much. I’d like to thank my agent, my manager, my lawyer, my personal assistant, my nutritionist and, most of all, the Academy for this great honor. Winning an Oscar for my script, The Mouse That Roared 2: This Time, It’s Personal, is the culmination of everything you and I have been fighting for. Ladies and gentlemen, comrades in arms — we did it!

[applause, cheers.]

“Our long march through the institutions is over. What began as a gleam in my daddy Che Kahane’s eye back in the Sixties is today blinding reality. We own the media, the universities, both houses of Congress, the Supreme Court — and very soon, the presidency itself. With the Boumediene decision last week, our audacious vision of a government of the lawyers, by the lawyers, and for the lawyers has finally come to fruition. Once we eliminate the Second Amendment and the Electoral College, our victory will be complete. Nothing can stop us now.

“The military is putty in our hands, every soldier a cop, and every cop hamstrung by a Miranda monkey on his back. The protections of our living, breathing, emanating, penumbrating Constitution have been extended to every man, woman, child, and transgendered metrosexual albino little person on the planet. And they said we couldn’t do it — that the American people would never stand for such an erosion of national sovereignty. Ha!

[chants of “Yes, we can! Yes, we can!!]

“So what if the Constitution expressly limits the Supreme Court’s powers to treaties, ambassadors, maritime jurisdiction, controversies involving the U.S. or between the states, and land claims among residents of various states? Thanks to the magnificently prescient power grab of Marbury v. Madison, our robed masters are now the absolute authority in the land, swinging ‘judicial review’ like the jawbone of the ass with which Samson slew a thousand Philistines. All it takes today is one unelected judge on an entirely arbitrary nine-member court to swing a 5-4 decision and make law without the tedium of representative government. Talk about one man, one vote! That, ladies and gentlemen, that is what democracy is all about.

Thank you, John Marshall. Thank you, Anthony Kennedy!

[whoops, etc.]

“So what if the Constitution clearly states that, aside from the Supreme Court, the judicial branch is more or less what Congress says it is, to wit; ‘such inferior Courts as the Congress may from time to time ordain and establish.’ As that troglodyte, Justice Scalia, said in his dissent to Boumediene: Just kidding! If Congress really wanted to, it could close down every federal court in the country and start over from scratch. It could overturn Marbury in a day by passing a law that eliminates judicial review — which is nowhere mentioned in, you know, the actual Constitution — and dare the Supes to do something about it. As that great Democrat, Andrew Jackson, once said: How many divisions does Ruth Buzzi Ginsburg command?

“Instead, we’ve able to make the benighted clods that populate the middle of this soon-to-be-great land of ours believe that we have three ‘co-equal’ branches of government. At long last, the least co-equal of them, the one established in Article Three in three short sections (one of which has to do with the thankfully antiquated concept of ‘treason’) is primus inter pares. Suckers!

“Yes, I know the music is starting to play — the wonderful theme song of our movie, Guantanemera — and you’re getting restless at all this ancient history. Where’s the jibes at Bush? The unabashed rallying cry for B. Hussein Soetelo Obama II?

[chants of “Venceremos!!”]

“Don’t worry… they’re coming. But first, let’s talk about me.

[sudden silence.]

“You all remember the original 1959 Mouse That Roared, in which the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, a raggedy-rumped country the size of a postage stamp, declares war on the United States over basically a bottle of wine or two, hoping that it will be swiftly defeated and then become the beneficiary of American reconstruction largesse, just like Germany and Japan.


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