A Sucker Is Registered Every Minute
Buying peace of mind in Hollywood.


Mel Bernstein: You can’t shoot a cop!

Tony Montana: Whoever says you was one?

I came out of the My Name is Barbra “I’m Still a Superstar Even If the Mirror Does Have Two Chins” Streisand fundraiser for Barack Hussein Obama II the other night in Beverly Hills with a song in my heart and a hole in my pocket.

So what? At nearly 30-large a pop, peace of mind is priceless. Not only is Barry up in the polls again, but the national economy is collapsing, North Korea is in turmoil (memo to me — send the Dear Leader a get-well-soon card), Israel is about to elect some chick named Zippy as its Prime Minister — did you know that “Tzipi” means “peace” in Hebrew, Arabic, Aramaic, Mayan, Swahili and Hindi? — and Sarah What’s-Her-Name is last week’s pair of Sex in the Tundra high heels. Nothing but good news abounds. Praise Gaia, Bambi Soetero, aka the Talking Parrot, remains Lord and Savior to us atheists.

So why I am fretting? Think Scarface.

No, not the 1932 Howard Hawks classic, the one with Paul Muni (born Meshilem Meier “Moony” Weissenfreund) as the Al Capone character and George Raft (born “Ranft”) — boyhood best friend of Bill Clinton’s rabbi, Owney Madden — as Guino Rinaldo. Sure, it’s great, bloody, ultra-violent, what’s not to like, blah blah black-and-white Boris Karloff blah, but —

I’m talking about the 1983 Brian De Palma remake with Al Pacino as Tony Montana, the Marielito murderer with a heart of cocaine and a Little Friend of some fine lethality. Specifically, about the scene in which Tony, after killing off Michelle Pfeiffer’s hubby and appropriating the babe, sorts out Mel Bernstein, the crooked cop played by Harris Yulin, who’s been skimming off the Cuban mob.

For years, I’ve admired this scene. (And why wouldn’t I? Oliver Stone wrote it!) There’s only one man standing between Tony and triumph, and that’s this lousy, beat-up Miami narc. But Tony sees right through him, won’t hondel with him, doesn’t even believe Mel’s a real cop. And so he shoots him, right in the gut. In disbelief, Mel shouts out a phrase common on the Daily Kos website, and then Tony pops a righteous cap in his whatever and down for the count goes ol’ Mel. Tough but fair: that’s how we Democrats roll.

Still, as I thought about it more, a little gerbil began to siphon away my precious bodily fluids. Because, after all, what is Tony really saying to Mel: that he doesn’t accept Mel’s premises. Doesn’t believe anything Mel says. Doesn’t even believe that Mel’s really a cop. Whoever says you was one?

That way lies madness. But that’s exactly what’s happening to us good guys right now. You conservatives don’t accept our premises. In fact, you mock us! How dare you?!