BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA JR.: What’s Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac?
ME: the Federal National Mortgage Association, and the Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation. And you got nearly $127,000 from them since 1989. Like, you know, long before you were a Senator. When you were just a gleam in George Soros’ eye…
BARRY SOETERO: I resent that. Who got more?
DAVID KAHANE: Chris “a friend of Angelo” Dodd. $165 large. But he’s been at it a lot longer than you, Bambi. Right, son of the “Guatemalan lobbyist, corrupt Senator and censured by the Senate Thomas J. Dodd”? Good thing those Senate seats in New England are hereditary, Chris! Otherwise you might land in, you know, jail!
CHRIS DODD: Where’s my waitress sandwich? I ordered the waitress sandwich! Teddy? Who do you have to f–
SAUL ALINSKY; Yay, Obama! Oops, I mean, Lucifer!! No, I mean, Obama!!!
WILLIAM KUNSTLER AND THE CHICAGO “EIGHT” OR “SEVEN” OR WHATEVER: Seventh or Eighth the motion!
THE STATE OF DELAWARE: Three votes for Biden.
THE CITY OF SCRANTON, PENN. — What kind of a name is “Biden?”
HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON: You know, I kinda like Sarah Palin… She’s smart, she’s accomplished, she’s a woman… Plus, she’s hot. Right, Bill? Don’t answer that.
BILL CLINTON: [Inaudible.]
DOLLY PARTON: I can relate to Sarah. We’re both small-town girls, both Pentecostalists, and we both carry an AK-47. BLAM!
ANNETTE BENING: She’s obviously a very accomplished woman. I’m a Democrat, I’m a supporter of Barry Hussein Junior Soetero Obamamometer the Talking Parrot the Second, but she certainly deserves our respect. Plus, she’s hot. Right, Warren? Don’t answer that.
WARREN BEATTY: [Inaudible.]
BIG JIM COLOSIMO, JOHNNY TORRIO, AL CAPONE, GREASY THUMB GUZIK, BUGS MORAN, FRANK NITTI, SCHEMER DRUCCI, BATHHOUSE JOHN COUGHLIN, HINKY-DINK KENNA, BIG BILL THOMPSON, HYMIE WEISS, FRANKIE YALE, SAM GIANCANA: Who gave those broads the vote?
JUDITH EILEEN KATHERINE IMMOOR CAMPBELL SINATRA EXNER GIANCANA KENNEDY: Hey! Watch who yer callin’ a broad! You dirty, low-down sonofab –
JAKE LINGLE: Wait a minute! I worked for the Chicago Tribune! Just like David Axelrod!! I was a part of the corrupt Chicago media/City Hall/Mafia/Outift/Combination, where reporters got paid off to look the other way until they either got hired by the gangsters, became political consultants or got whacked. Plus, she’s hot.
[Looking at Capone: Sarah, I mean, Scarface. Not your wife, “Fannie” Mae Coughlin Capone… oops….]
ANTON CERMAK: Wham, blam, thank you ma’am. Famous last words: “I’m glad it was me and not you, Mr. President” Yeah, right — it was an honor just to be assassinated. You do know that Zangara was really shooting at me, the Mayor of Chicago, in February 1933, not the cripple-in-chief, who hadn’t even been inaugurated yet, right? Or did that go down the memory hole, too?
AL CAPONE: I resent that, you Bohunk!
GIUSEPPE ZANGARA: Mamma mia!
ANTON CERMAK: Screw you, Scarface. Giuseppe was only five-feet tall and had to stand on a folding chair to fire over Mrs. Cross’s hat here in Miami to hit me and miss FDR. Luckily, they fried his bocce balls after only ten days on Death Row, post my mortem, of course. Americans knew how to deal with criminals in those days: verdict first, then a fair trial. Where was the ACLU when –
GIUSEPPE ZANGARA: Viva Italia!
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA JUNIOR THE SECOND: Is Miami one of the 57 states? Who’s Frank Barney? Is Viva Italia anything like Mele Kalikimaka?
DAVID KAHANE: Psst, Barry — we don’t wish real Americans a “Merry Christmas” any more. Even in Hawai’ian. The politically correct phrase is: “Happy Holidays.” So as not to offend…
BARRY SOETERO: Offend who?
ALMOST ALL: SSHHHHHHHSHHHHHSSSSHHH!!!! This is an honorable campaign!
B.O. PLENTY: I get it, I think. But what if I get elected? As one of my big fans, Bob Redford, says at the end of The Candidate: “What do we do now?”
TONY REZKO: Pay me, you sonofab –
ME: That’s why Joe Biden’s your VP, instead of George Soros.
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA II: Soros I know. But who’s Joe Biden?
[DEAD SILENCE FOR A MOMENT. THEN -- TWO MEN WITH GUNS BURST INTO THE ROOM]
ELIOT NESS: You’re all under arrest. Book ‘em, Paddy.
PATRICK FITZGERALD: Is Chicago a great town or what?
– David Kahane loves criminal organizations as much as the next guy, which is why he’s been a registered Democrat since Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton and beat the murder rap in both New York and New Jersey. You can turn him in to the FBI at [email protected].