We’re off to a good start. In Chicago, the prosecutor formerly known as Fitzmas has just subpoenaed a boatload of the beloved BO2’s closest buddies and aides to testify in l’affaire Blagojevich. A full 43–count ’em, 43!–subpoenas, including ones for the mighty David “the Press Conference Rag” Axelrod; the lady from Shiraz, Iran, Valerie Jarrett; the man from Aleppo, Syria, Tony Rezko; and Rahmbo himself. Neither the Grant nor the Harding nor even the Clinton administration can make such a claim to inherent, systemic, Chicago Combine corruption. Eat your heart out, Ulysses S., Warren Gamaliel, and Billy Jeff Blythe III!
Then there’s the “stimulus package,” an income-transfer program from the suckers, er, the taxpayers, to banks, General Motors, and lawyers across this great land of ours, a bailout of such gigantic proportions that it will make Ayn Rand look like she suffered a profound failure of nerve and imagination when she wrote Atlas Shrugged. And up until last week, we lefties thought she’d been smoking crack when she cooked up the Anti-Dog-Eat-Dog Act! Who knew she was a do-the-right-thing prophet?
Even better, Pres. B. Hussein Obama Jr., fresh off his first official presidential interview with Al-Arabiya, has already begun to experience the joys of the executive order–“Stroke of the pen, law of the land. Kind of cool,” in Paul Begala’s felicitous phrase. No more torture! No more Gitmo! Abortion services to the world! I don’t know about you, but I’m already planning my trip to the Netherlands for Geert Wilders’s hate-speech trial, and I expect to be showered with free hashish, hookers, and hijabs now that we Americans can hold our heads up in the world again. All this plus a call to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act, which was passed under the right-wing nut . . . er, the Clinton administration.
Not to mention this helpful, budget-saving tip from the Grandmother of the Year, Nancy Patricia D’Alesandro Pelosi, the pride of Baltimore and the sage of San Francisco, whose blink-free brain just deposited this pearl of wisdom upon the body politic: “Well, the family-planning services reduce cost. They reduce cost. The states are in terrible fiscal budget crises now, and part of what we do for children’s health, education, and some of those elements are to help the states meet their financial needs. One of those–one of the initiatives you mentioned, the contraception–will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government.” Speaker Pelosi is like one of those McKinsey & Co. efficiency experts who show up at your employer’s door and explain that he could make more money by firing all his employees and ceasing operations altogether.
That’s the ticket for what ails us–fewer people! In the bad old days, breeders had lots of kids in the hopes that some of them would survive, some would join the army, some would enter the clergy, some would grow up to be Frank Rich, and all would take care of their parents in their dotage. Which began at about age 45. In our new, improved, progressive world, however, children are a net negative. They’re voracious consumers of scarce resources, a luxury we can no longer afford, as likely to grow up to be Britney Spears as Eric Holder. Plus, have you seen how much Harvard’s tuition is these days?