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For Four Eyes Only
Excerpted from David Kahane’s new book, Rules for Radical Conservatives.


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At this point, we think that Schwartz is going to kill Bond and that will be that. After all, that’s what any real-world super-villain would do. But since this is a movie, we now need the obligatory scene in which he gets to explain himself.

Accordingly, he tosses a dossier at Bond and the Bond Girl. Bond glances through it, smiles a cruel little smile —

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BOND (in English): You’re a Hungarian Jew . . . 

SCHWARTZ: Mm-hmm.

BOND: . . . who escaped the Holocaust . . . 

SCHWARTZ: Mm-hmm.

BOND: . . . by posing as a Christian.

SCHWARTZ (switching to English): Right.

BOND: And you watched lots of people get shipped off to the death camps.

SCHWARTZ: Right. I was 14 years old. And I would say that that’s when my character was made.

BOND: In what way?

SCHWARTZ: That one should think ahead. One should understand that — and anticipate events and when, when one is threatened. It was a tremendous threat of evil. I mean, it was a — a very personal threat of evil.

BOND: My understanding is that you went out with this protector of yours who swore that you were his adopted godson.

SCHWARTZ: Yes. Yes.

BOND: Went out, in fact, and helped in the confiscation of property from the Jews.

SCHWARTZ: Yes. That’s right. Yes.

BOND: I mean, that’s — that sounds like an experience that would send lots of people to the psychiatric couch for many, many years. Was it difficult?

SCHWARTZ: Not, not at all. Not at all. Maybe as a child you don’t . . . you don’t see the connection. But it was — it created no — no problem at all.

BOND: No feeling of guilt?

SCHWARTZ: No.

BOND: For example, that, “I’m Jewish, and here I am, watching these people go. I could just as easily be there, I should be there.” None of that?

SCHWARTZ: Well, of course . . . I could be on the other side or I could be the one from whom the thing is being taken away. But there was no sense that I shouldn’t be there, because that was — well, actually, in a funny way, it’s just like in the markets — that if I weren’t there — of course, I wasn’t doing it, but somebody else would — would — would be taking it away anyhow. And it was the — whether I was there or not, I was only a spectator, the property was being taken away. So the — I had no role in taking away that property. So I had no sense of guilt.

Is that dialogue great or what? The scene continues:

BOND (in perfect Esperanto): Permesso zu smoke-o?

SCHWARTZ: Naturalmento, Bondo-san.

Bond reaches into his jacket pocket and fishes out the GLASSES we saw in the first scene. In a bit of absolutely gratuitous near-nudity, the Bond Girl takes them to Blofeld Soros Schwartz and puts them on him: They fit perfectly!

Bond jumps out of bed, wrestles with Schwartz, the two of them go crashing through a window and land on the deck of a speedboat with its motor running, killing the guy who was going to help Schwartz escape. The boat careens about the Black Sea, or whatever it’s called, as Schwartz and Bond grapple manfully with each other, but — I forgot to tell you — Schwartz has injected Bond with some sort of slow-acting poison and he gradually becomes weaker until it looks like the final curtain when all of a sudden he quips:

BOND: Me dankt dass Christmas kommen only once-o per jahr-o —

At which Schwartz suddenly starts laughing so hysterically that Bond is able to muster just enough strength to KICK HIM OVER THE SIDE OF THE BOAT and into the mouths of some hungry sharks that he’d been keeping as pets in an earlier scene that I haven’t written yet.

I’m telling you, you can’t make this stuff up.

David Kahane is the author of Rules for Radical Conservatives. Copyright © 2010 by David Kahane. Excerpted by permission of Ballantine Group, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.



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