Don’t Get Even, Get Mad
Even if you should retake Congress this fall, don’t get your hopes up.


Since even Satan gets tired of winning fixed fights, I’ve decided to give you fools a break. At the instigation of my father, the sainted “Che” Kahane, I’ve written a new book called Rules for Radical Conservatives — the over-the-shoulder acknowledgement of the Apostle Saul is entirely intentional — which takes you on a Dantesque tour of the hell we’ve made of your world over the past half century and offers you some of our own weapons with which to fight us. Indeed, some of you are already calling it a manual for the counter-revolution. After all, the beginning of wisdom is understanding, and, brother, do you ever have a long way to go.

But even if you should retake Congress this fall, don’t get your hopes up. For we have a secret weapon: you. We know your party apparatchiks — excuse me, “elder statesmen” — would rather discuss programs than principles. We know that you’re more comfortable reaching across the aisle than gnawing our arms off. We know that you’d rather lose honorably than win ugly. So I offer you this cross between Paradise Lost and the Alinsky masterpiece in the full confidence that you won’t have the guts to use it. Because if you do, you can break us the way St. Michael broke Lucifer and his legions, and send us plunging into the Lake of Fire, there to lick our wounds and plot our comeback once the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act finishes paving the road to hell. Then a new generation will succumb to our siren song of hope and change, and a new generation of your “patriots” will have to fight us once more. The battle may be over, but the war doesn’t end until the Last Trump.

As a great man once said: The work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die.

David Kahane is the nom-de-plume of a novelist, journalist, and Hollywood screenwriter who bears precious little resemblance in real life to his fictional alter ego. For some weird reason, Rules for Radical Conservatives was published this week by Ballantine Books. You reach him at [email protected] or become his friend on Facebook.


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