It is said that the one question about men and women that even the great Sigmund Freud, father of psychoanalysis, could not answer was: What do women want?
Whether or not Freud actually admitted his ignorance on this question is irrelevant. The very popularity of the anecdote testifies to one incontrovertible fact: A lot of men don’t know the answer.
Advertisement
It is probably fair to say that a lot of women also don’t know the answer. If they did, all they would have to do is tell men. That would solve the riddle — and make most men and women very happy.
So, to the extent that this is a great riddle, it is so because most members of both sexes seem not to know the answer.
Adding support to the widespread belief that what women want is close to unknowable is the underlying presumption that just about everybody knows what men want.
The number of Internet jokes that portray women’s wants as complex and men’s as simple is a testament to how widespread these assumptions about the two sexes are. Three examples illustrate this:
The first example is the one that begins: “HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN.” Listed beneath that heading is this: “Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.”
That long list is followed by: “HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN.” And listed beneath is this: “Show up naked. Bring food.”
The second Internet example: “Q: What is the difference between men and women? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.”
And a third Internet example shows a box divided into two parts. Under the part labeled “Women” are 40 dials and knobs. Under the part labeled “Men” is one switch, marked “On-Off.”
As with most generalizations, there is much truth to these. Nevertheless, I take issue with both presumptions: that what women want is a riddle that would stump the Sphinx and that what men want is so easy it could be written on the back of a postage stamp.
In fact, I believe that both are relatively simple to answer (though neither is simple to achieve).
What does a man most want? Answer: He most wants to be admired by the woman he loves.
One proof is that the most devastating thing a woman can do to her man is to hold him in contempt. That is so devastating to a marriage that, over time, it is often more toxic than an affair. I am fairly certain that more marriages survive an affair, as difficult as that is, than contempt. Of course, this goes in both directions, but when a woman shows contempt toward her man, his very manhood is called into question.
My father and mother were married 69 years. As my brother and I have heard countless times, “She put me on a pedestal” was the quality my father most often cited in describing what a wonderful wife my mother was. She admired him, and to him that was everything. On the other hand, in describing her love for my father over all those years, my mother never once said, “He put me on a pedestal” (despite the fact that he constantly praised her). Rather, she always spoke of what a “great man” he was, how “brilliant,” etc. Of course, this is just one example, but I think it applies to the majority of men and women.
The obvious upshot of this thesis is that in order to gain a woman’s love a man must make — and keep — himself admirable.
Dennis,
This is spot on. It can be seen reflected in older marriage vows. The man "loves, honors and cherishes" his wife. She needs to be cherished, that is thought of first. Hense the list in the first joke. The woman said "love, honor and obey" to fulfill his need for respect. You freely follow those you admire.
With Marriage v2.0 you pretty much guarantee her bad behaviour. The State underwrites and backstops it the whole way with these laws:
- No-Fault Divorce (i.e. she gets paid to walk)
- No-Fault Equitable Division (i.e. she gets paid)
- No-Fault Alimony (i.e. she gets paid)
- Mom Always Wins Custody (i.e. PAS perpetrator gets paid)
- Lose Every Argument while Married (restraining order)
- Hubby Has No Recourse if she has another man’s child (she can now be with other guys for fun AND profit)
- Lying in Court Pays Off Even When You Get Caught (Female Sentencing Discount; non-existent punishment for false allegations of sexual assault, false abuse, false child-abuse charges)
Mr. Prager concludes that men want sex because that's one manifestation of admiration. I think an evolutionary biologist would say that that's exactly backwards: men want admiration because women willingly mate with, and stay faithful to, men they admire.
Bullseye. So what are the implications, of this kind, for same-sex relationships? I've known couples of both sexes. Long-term fidelity seems much more possible for two women, but rarely for two men.
(Of course, I understand there is an intrinsic disorder involved, apart from the inability of procreation, but what is it?)
This is an important question to be sure, but I don't think Prager is approaching it from the right direction. One simple truth about people is that when they get what they want, they then want something else. This isn't necessarily bad, it can represent growth or decay. So the real question is not what men or women want the most ... that will change. The real question is "What is the essential need for men or women?"
It seems to me that men need beauty, we can survive the worst of circumstances if we can feel some beauty. For women, it's security, the bedrock of her sense of well-being.
This makes sense when you look at virtually all the human cultures (an anomaly or two notwithstanding) - men overwhelmingly provide security and women overwhelmingly provide beauty.
Beauty is the muse of men and inspires him to greatness, while security is the foundation for women that allows them to be happy.
This is a good article... I do see a strong correlation between attractiveness in a man and the character qualities I admire-- integrity, honor, brains, sense of humor, spirituality, and humility.
Some women are more admiring of the ability to make money, or of a hard, edgy lifestyle... so guys, it's like an equation. What kind of woman do you want? What does she admire? Okay, be those things. lol.
I agree with Mr. Prager that a wife's consistent disrespect for her husband is the worst possible thing she can do in her marriage.
I think most wives who do this have no idea what they are doing. For example, several years ago, a woman published a book called "I'd Rather Eat Chocolate" that was about how she would rather eat chocolate than have sex with her husband, and how her husband dealt with her non-desire. The book was painfully funny. However, by writing that book, she had publicly humiliated her husband after years of private humiliation. I am convinced that the wife had no understanding of the enormity of her marital transgression.
I left a comment in the Amazon page for that book where I advised the husband to either leave his wife, or work out a deal whereby he was allowed to have a mistress. Many men are stuck with unsatisfactory wives but do not wish to divorce them because of the harm a divorce will cause to their children. Until the modern age, there was a legal doctrine called "condonation" whereby a wife could not sue a husband for divorce based upon his adultery if she condoned this adultery. This strikes me as a regrettable situation, but probably the second best outcome when a wife does not respect her husband and they cannot divorce without harming minor children.
Mr. Prager has it right for the most part. Men are 99% ego. We want to be respected for our accomplishments, and not nagged or derided. A real man does not want or need his wife to mother him - treat him like he is a kid to be dictated to. We need our wives at least to think we are a hero - at least to her.
A real man will have the integrity and responsibility to do what needs to be done in the home and on the job.
Problem in our society is the roles of husband and wife have been disrespected, warped, and thus have morphed into some monstrous thing. The media shows that men are basically only a step above a dog in decency, and intelligence, while a woman is THE gender that has it all together.
Admittedly, I do not understand my wife in all the things she does or says, but that doesn't keep me from trying to discovery who she is and how to make my marriage better as the years go by.
Lastly, a woman might be considered physically beatiful but sometimes when she opens her mouth she becomes a very shallow and ugly person. Age is the great equalizer!
A man is walking a long a beach when he sees a lamp. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man. "I am a low end genie. I can only give you 1 wish." The man says, "I would like to go to Hawaii but I am afraid of flying and I get seasick. Can you build me a bridge to Hawaii?" The Genie then starts ranting and raving about how hard that would be. There would be so much material and he would have to put it all together and finally convinces the man to ask for another wish. The mans says, "I have been divorced twice and the woman I am with now doesn't seem to like me. I try to please her but I can't seem to. My wish is that I would like you to help me understand women." The Genie replies, "That bridge to Hawaii - do you want 2 lanes or 4".
I agree with you, as far as you go. However I think the more important question is: What do men need?
My wife and have been married for nearly 25 years (only marriage for both of us). Within the first 18 months of marriage things started going badly. After years of struggle my wife was diagnosed whith Bi-polar disorder and Borderline Personality disorder. It is nearly impossible for her to show appreciation, and quite frankly she has made my life, on balance, a living hell. Yet we are still together and I still love my wife. Though at times it is very difficult I have maintained joy in life and have learned to delight myself in the Lord. No, I am not nominating myself for sainthood, I am self-aware enough to know that I can be a real pain in the... you get the idea.
So my point is this: what a man WANTS is to be admired; what a man NEEDS is to strive, as often as he will fail, to be worthy of admiration.
As far as what a woman wants or needs, in my experience it is almost always the opposite of what she has, though my experience is admittedly tainted. So what I try to give her is the security of knowing that as long as I have breath, I will be there for her.
Nothing to add. Just wanted to say this column was a work of genius!
@Allensnarf:
"I think an evolutionary biologist would say [Prager's conclusion is] exactly backwards: men want admiration because women willingly mate with, and stay faithful to, men they admire."
Wow. So evolutionary biology has been falsified! Didn't think I would live to see it.
Been divorced 8 years, I wish I knew then what I know know......
I am a man with bad teeth, lousy car, moderate income, but I have good luck with women. I think women want a man that is confident and strong (inwardly), but most of all likes to have fun. This is the response I get all the time from women.
I think women like to be listened to, they want to feel wanted.
Works for me.
I do firmly believe though that a man will finally figure women out on his death bed therefore he will be unable to share this knowledge with anyone.
Right on target. My last relationship failed when my gf frequently began to show me discourtesy and disrespect. Initiallly I tried to fix things, but after awhile I began to not care about her opinion or even her at all. She cried huge tears when I broke up with her but the only thing I now feel towards her is rage.
Discourtesy, contempt, disrespect, if show these to your mate don't wonder why you lose them.
Dennis,
I don't blog, but I appreciated your column. I went through a divorce three years ago. Although I was equally at fault and am glad the marriage ended, it was the contempt I experienced that was so painful. It is pretty simple what a man wants - to be admired. Recently, I started a relationship with a single mother of two. It's been nothing but bliss, and I'm hopeful for what lies ahead.
