I Hate You, Bristol Palin
It’s the happiest of New Years: We have another Palin to drive us crazy.


And now Bristol’s gone and bought herself a house in Maricopa, Ariz., with some of her Dancing with the Stars swag, the nerve. Doesn’t she realize that, according to Gawker (our bible of snark), it’s a trashy McNeighborhood filled with foreclosed houses, half an hour away from Phoenix? I mean, what young person in her right mind would want to shop for a bargain starter home? Next thing you know, she’ll be moving to Detroit and fixing up an old mansion in Brush Park or Boston-Edison and giving employment to local contractors, and that will just make us hate her all the more.

You see, we liberals are locked in an eternal profane embrace with you, the Palin family. You are the living, breathing antithesis of everything we hold dear — credentialism, law schools, expensive restaurant meals, gun-free zones, live-in mothers-in-law, the Punahou School, and skinny black ties worn with white shirts. Why can’t we quit you?

Time to make lemonade: Bristol’s new house is conveniently located near one of the several hundred McCain residences, and so even a moron can see what I’m about to propose. In the wake of Tron, the air has gone out of the market for film sequels in Hollywood, but reality television — that’s where the money is. So why not this:

Beyond Celebrity Thunderdome II: Bristol Palin vs. Meghan McCain — This Time, It’s Personal. Two babes enter, one babe leaves. Hosted by Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Because you know — you just know — that one of them is going to run for Meghan’s father’s seat when it next comes up in 2016, by which time we’ll be in syndication and rolling in residuals.

Bristol, honey — have your agent call my agent and let’s make a deal. Better yet, let’s have lunch at Chaya.

— As he explained in Rules for Radical Conservatives, David Kahane still believes in the rightness of the Progressive cause, and in the political genius of BO2, no matter what you wingnuts say. You can try to talk him out of it at [email protected], or you can become one of his groupies on Facebook, if he’ll have you, which is doubtful.