Agreeing to Be Agreeable
We could all just get along if only you would shut up.


And that most definitely includes you, you Constitution-fetishizing, Soros-hating, Beck-worshipping, global-warming/global-cooling/climate-change-denying, Ann Coulter–besotted nutbags.

So come, let us reason together. As Alice Roosevelt Longworth used to say, if you can’t say anything good about someone, sit right here by me — and try as we might, we just can’t think of anything good to say about you. Still, like the hitman Jules at the end of Pulp Fiction, we’re trying real hard to be a shepherd. Brimming with bonhomie, we are hereby extending the olive branch of brotherhood, confident that you will see the error of your ways, and come to grips with the social disruption your waywardness has caused.

And there’s only one way for you to do that, you God-clinging, racist gun nuts.

Give it up. Come over to our side. Join us in the noble cause of social justice, public employees’ unions, fiscal irresponsibility in the service of the greater good. Gleefully trash a thousand years of Western cultural history, tear down your institutions, dig up the bodies of the old dead white males and hang them for crimes against humanity. Toss your One Hundred Greatest Books Ever Written onto the bonfire of the vanities — take that, Huckleberry Finn! — and watch them burn as the Fahrenheit hits 451. Isn’t vandalism fun!

But no — you knuckle-dragging troglodytes resist us at every turn, and have the temerity to actually fight back when we assault you. We pinch and poke and prod and provoke, and when you’ve finally reached the end of your ropes and fight back, we scream bloody murder at your lack of civility. Heads we win, tails you lose!

And that’s why we need civility. Because America is too fragile to support two schools of thought. Competition leads to disagreement and disagreement leads to disagreeableness and since everything we learned, we learned in kindergarten, there is nothing worse than disagreeableness. Because it, in turn, leads to –

Foaming, frothing-at-the-mouth, incoherent, eye-bulging, spittle-flecked psychos like you.

So do it. Do it for the good of the country. Do it for the future. Do it for the children, if you have any.

Submit. Or else.

— David Kahane promises a new tone of sweetness and light, but he’s probably lying through his leftist teeth. Show him a little class and write to him at [email protected] or poke him on Facebook. Just don’t be surprised if he clobbers you with a copy of Rules for Radical Conservatives, because he’s got a real short fuse these days.