The other is our whiny, dog’s-belly approach to faux-surrender, in which we become as pathetic as a helpless, whipped cur offering his tender nether regions to the Big Dog, all the while figuring out how we can make common cause with the roving band of coyotes just over the next canyon, to tear the sonofabitch apart the next time we catch him alone in a dark alley.
And that’s what we’re trying to figure out now: to flip or to flop? As I thrill to the noble sacrifices of our selfless public servants, confronting the Man in Madison directly, I personally am as proud as “Che” was, watching Morningside Heights burn while he smoked a Cuban cigar to show his solidarity with la Revolución and put his feet up on the dean’s desk. On the other hand, though, I worry that we might be overplaying our hand here, that the forces of revanchism might be too strong, and that the Battle of Mad Town will turn out about as badly for us as the Battle of the Ebro did for the heroic proles of la República.
Which is why I’m inclining toward the belly strategy. We gave our standard human-shield ploy a shot when the Wisconsin teachers “got sick” and then showed up en masse, kidlets in tow, to scream about the unfairness of changing a status quo that required you to support them in the style to which they’d become accustomed, and required them only to keep breathing for as long as possible. But it’s a tough sell when your adorable moppets tell reporters they’re at the capitol because they’re “trying to stop whatever this dude is doing.”
So forget all this confrontational hoo-hah. Far better to make our arguments on the basis of their factual correctness, their emotional correctness, and their political correctness.
Think of “public service” for what it really is, a secondary form of welfare, in which “workers” pretend to work and the government pretends to “pay” them — just like in the old Soviet Union! I mean, if it weren’t for government jobs, all of these “non-essential” personnel would be lounging around on their porches, drinking beer and firing unregulated handguns into the air or at each other — or, even worse, at us — unable to deal with the vicissitudes of life and therefore deserving of our public charity. Without public service, politicians such as Ted Kennedy and Chris Dodd would have been just another couple of Irish barroom horndogs; Governor Moonbeam, Jerry Brown, another Buddhist moonbat; and Robert Byrd a humble white-sheeted follower of Nathan Bedford Forrest. Public service gave these men jobs — real jobs — and meaning to their lives. And you malevolent capitalists want to take it all away.
So go ahead and unleash your racist hordes of teabaggers on a bunch of doe-eyed third-graders; all they’re asking for is a few years of “employment,” followed by a lifetime of free health care and a lavish pension. How can you in good conscience try to break up a perfect racket, in which public-employee unions “negotiate” with the politicians for ever-more-generous pay packages, and then kick back a substantial percentage of the swag in the form of perfectly legal “campaign contributions” to help get their benefactors re-elected? And all at your expense!
So cool the confrontation, fellow lefties. At the moment, we can’t stop the dude from doing something. The dude abides. Live with it.
Just don’t ask me about “irredentism.”
— Everything David Kahane has learned about life, he’s learned from Che, his teachers at Columbia, and The Big Lebowski. You can discuss these life lessons with him at email@example.com or on Facebook, but you have to read Rules for Radical Conservativesfirst. Proof of purchase or the first round at Tom Bergin’s on Fairfax required.