From an Undisclosed Motel 6 in Illinois
The people, united, will never be defeated — especially with a little Skyline chili and sturgeon for breakfast.


In the ringing words of that late, great American and Harvard expellee, Sen. Ted Kennedy, it is “a land in which women would be forced into back-alley abortions, blacks would sit at segregated lunch counters, rogue police could break down citizens’ doors in midnight raids, schoolchildren could not be taught about evolution, writers and artists would be censored at the whim of government, and the doors of the federal courts would be shut on the fingers of millions of citizens for whom the judiciary is often the only protector of the individual rights that are the heart of our democracy.”

And that’s what we’re here to stop. It’s true we took a licking last November, but we’re doing more than just keeping on ticking. We’re taking our game to a whole new level, one that not only rejects the results of your so-called “elections,” but also refuses to participate in these charades of “democracy” any longer.

And so, like Martin Luther King nailing his 95 theses to the door of the Birmingham jail, we — my brave comrades-in-arms and I — are here to announce our new rules. Henceforth:

  • During elections, we will not take part in the political process unless and until ACORN is immediately reinstated, Planned Parenthood refunded, and Keith Olbermann restored to his rightful place on network television, with his show to be co-hosted by Pee-Wee Herman.
  • When casting our ballots, we reserve the right to assist the lame, the halt, the blind, persons from Porlock, stateless exiles, Idi Amin, and our Mexican cleaning ladies, should they need help marking their ballots correctly.
  • All ballots will be tabulated by Democratic officials from King County, Wash., and certified by Mayor Rahm Emanuel of the city of Chicago.
  • Ties always go to the Democrats.

We may think of a few other things as we sit here, holed up in the complimentary breakfast bar, but those ought to be enough to get the negotiations started. After all, we are the real representatives of the legitimate grievances and aspirations of the American people, and it’s high time you bozos got that through your thick skulls.

In short: Let our people go. The people, united, will never be defeated, but we’re cold, tired, and hungry, and a little of Illinois goes a long way.

Daylight come and me wanna go home.

David Kahane doesn’t really like deep-dish pizza all that much, and would appreciate it if you could send him a care package from Zabar’s or Barney Greengrass. Please email some choice sturgeon to [email protected] or order it at Amazon along with your personal copy of Rules for Radical Conservatives and hustle it right over to South Beloit, because there’s only so much orange juice and scrambled eggs a fundamental-change rebel can take.