Tim Pawlenty. No red-blooded American will ever vote for a President Tim. And in the 2012 crucible, Minnesota Nice just isn’t going to cut it. As our Barry famously said, ripping off David Mamet — they bring a knife, we bring a gun. Tim brings a butter knife. We bring an AK-47. Or a Muslim scimitar, whichever. Secretary of housing and urban development, or one of those other cabinet positions that don’t matter.
Rudy Giuliani. Four words: New York, New York. Repeat as necessary. Homeland-security chief.
Jon Huntsman. Who? Oh, you mean Obama’s ambassador to China? Right. Ambassador to China.
. Mississippi Burning
. Enough said. Ambassador to Mississippi.
Ron Paul. No, not the bore worms! Ambassador to Outer Space.
I’ve saved the best for last, as you knew I would. I am nothing if not a master of dramatic pacing:
Sarah Palin. I believe I’ve expressed myself in these pages many times about Your Gal Sarah, and how much we hate her, and how much we love her, and how much we love to hate her, and how much we hate to love her — hell, if it weren’t for the Divine Sarah, what would MSNBC use for cannon fodder all day long? Still, even though we don’t have an aircraft carrier handy — we hate firearms — we can proudly say “Mission Accomplished” when it comes to the destruction of La Palin’s reputation, and at this point you nominate her at your own peril. Yes, we know she rules the world via Facebook from her Fortress of Solitude in Mystery, Alaska, and she’s the only woman alive who can make Chris Matthews swallow his tongue on national television, except for maybe Michele Bachmann. But, believe you me, by the time our johnnies in the media get through with her in Campaign Aught Twelve, she’ll burst into flames and start speaking in tongues live on Fox News.
And, finally, there’s —
Jeb. As in Bush. As in the family that gave you Slick Willie and BO2 in its wake.
Don’t shoot the messenger. I’m just doing opposition research, so you won’t have to. Meanwhile, I know exactly whom you should nominate and whom, in fact, you’re going to have to nominate in order to win, but I’m saving it for my inevitable appearance on Morning Joe. And no, it’s not Chris Christie.
— Despite his progressive upbringing, David Kahane wishes you knuckle-dragging troglodytes nothing but the best in the next election cycle, so go ahead and nominate one of these guys. You can tell him how right he is at [email protected] or read his masterful treatise, Rules for Radical Conservatives, in case you want to, you know, get a clue how to actually win in 2012.