Rather than go through all the muss and fuss and time and expense of a presidential election next year, let’s call the whole thing off. Think about it: With Wisconsin as our new template, what is the point of your trying to defeat Barry fair and square at the ballot box when you know in advance that, if it goes against us, we’re going to refuse to accept the results of your so-called “election,” and instead will appeal to the higher democratic nature of our society and call out every union thug and goon in these United States to occupy the Capitol, shred the drapery, steal the silver, and molest the servants? If you thought the sit-ins and tractor pulls in Madison were uplifting and awe-inspiring, wait till you see what we’ve got in store for you on Wednesday, Nov. 7, 2012. I tell you, it will make the Whiskey Rebellion and the Bonus Army’s march on Washington look like NPR pledge drives.
And that’s why what we might call the Imperial Compromise is such a good deal for your side. It eliminates widespread bloodshed and destruction of property, at least for a while, kicks Barry upstairs, and lets us install a bona fide idiot as a figurehead president while Bill Ayers and George Soros really run the show. Biden won’t mind, the peace will be kept, and fundamental transformation will get four more years without anybody having to get hurt. What’s not to like?
It’s a deal you ought to take. None of your clowns
is likely to beat Hussein, so by taking the 2012 election off the table, you’ll have plenty of time to groom someone who can actually win. Not the retreads of Gingrich, Romney, Palin et al., but the fresh new faces of Chris Christie, Marco Rubio, and Col. Allen West — who, when you stop to think about it, actually would be the First Black President. Luckily for us, they don’t dare shoot for the nomination of the It’s His Turn Now party next year, and there’s no point ruining a perfectly good crop of candidates just to, you know, “take your country back” (ha ha).
Now, what exactly would the Emperor Hussein do under this minor modification of the American electoral system? This is the genius of my idea: exactly what he’s doing today,
which is basically voting present and letting his below-the-radar henchmen run the show. Health-care reform? Leave it to the speaker of the House, Maerose Prizzi
! Clean up prostitution in Nevada? Get Horseless Harry on the case! That other boring, governing stuff — well, that’s what extra-constitutional czars are for. Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges
So all hail O
! As emperor, his duties will continue to include golf, basketball, and trips to his royal residences in Honolulu and Chicago. He’ll have unlimited use of Air Force One to jet him around the globe at his slightest whim, while the Empress Michelle will have hundreds of fashion designers at her beck and call, except for, of course, John Galliano
, who’s temporarily hors de combat
until his attitude readjustment is complete. Naturally, he’ll be stripped of any actual decision making, but we can live with that because he doesn’t do that anyway.
What do you say, Amerikkka? Shall we make it official and just get this over with already? Or are you really going to run Mr. Newt or Mitt against His Majesty?— David Kahane is proud to say that he remains resolutely bipartisan in his voting habits, casting his ballots for radical Communists and garden-variety Democrats alike. If you can keep a civil tongue in your heads, he’d be pleased to hear from you about the Imperial Compromise. As long as you have a cash receipt from purchasing Rules for Radical Conservatives, you can write to him at [email protected] or fake being his friend on Facebook.