‘Dad may try to ruin your style, but dry stains won’t.”
The revealing dress code of the American tween may be best dramatized by yet another popular-culture slap in the face of fatherhood: a Tide commercial.
Dad intentionally wipes dirt on his daughter’s way-too-short skirt. Mom is all too happy to clean it with the product being advertised.
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Why are moms sometimes all too happy to let their daughters walk out the door looking like prostitutes? It’s a question that Jennifer Moses bluntly asked recently in Food and Whine: Confessions of a New Millennium Mom: Why do mothers let their daughters walk out of a store with revealing clothing? And why would moms “pay for them to do it with our AmEx cards”?
One mother’s answers may be as revealing as the clothing.
First, Moses surmises, “It has to do with how conflicted my own generation of women is about our own past, when many of us behaved in ways that we now regret.”
Older and wiser but depriving your daughter of the pearls you can impart? Talk about hiding a light under a bushel basket.
Further, Moses admits: “What teenage girl doesn’t want to be attractive, sought-after and popular? And what mom doesn’t want to help that cause? In my own case, when I see my daughter in drop-dead gorgeous mode, I experience something akin to a thrill — especially since I myself am somewhat past the age to turn heads.”
Some moms might be as lost as the girls, Miriam Grossman, author of Unprotected: A Campus Psychiatrist Reveals How Political Correctness in Her Profession Endangers Every Student, worries, but she credits Moses with “realizing this also has to do with her own loss of youthfulness.” She continues: “Sure, when girls look like sluts they turn heads. They are ‘sought after.’ But is that the sort of attention she wants for her daughter? The mom’s feminism prevents her from saying ‘over my dead body will you wear that!’” Grossman adds: “And by the way, where is the girl’s dad? He knows what turns the heads of young men. Is he even around to protect his daughter? Does he have a voice?”
The answer to the last question may be best represented by the dejected dad whitewashed by the Tide of popular culture.
“We, I’m sorry to say, are scared to death,” says Meg Meeker, author of The Ten Habits of Happy Mothers. “Mothers are afraid to follow our instincts. When our intuition tells us that our daughters really shouldn’t leave the house scantily clad, we assuage our guilty consciences with cheap excuses such as, ‘We were young and wild once and we did okay, so they will too.’”
Two generations, in other words, are feeling the pain of the feminism that has wreaked havoc on the sexes, leaving us with a boundary-less horizon where, now, teens don’t even have an authority to fight against.
But let’s not kid ourselves. “It’s high time we got over ourselves and faced up to reality for teen girls in 2011. We need to be adult enough to realize that the sexual landscape for teens is radically different than it was in the 1970s, ’80s, and even the ’90s,” Meeker, a pediatrician, emphasizes.
Dr. Meeker paints a blunt medical picture for any mom or dad being coy about parenting: “Here’s how we know. In 1979, when I graduated from college, there were two sexually transmitted infections snaking their way through the sexually ‘open’ teens and adults who chose to explore their sexuality through freer sexual expression. Herpes 2 broke upon the scene in a fierce way, increasing 500 percent from 1980 to 1990. By the time 2000 rolled around, there were over 30 STIs in the then–15 million Americans each year who contracted a new STD. Now, in 2011, the CDC reports that 20 million Americans each year contract a new STI, and almost 50 percent are young people (teens and college students). This is completely unacceptable.”
Meeker’s medical and tough-love motherly advice? “For all of the mothers out there too afraid to tell their children — that’s what 12-, 13-, and 14-year-old girls are — that’s it’s not acceptable to parade around in clothes which announce to any young man that they are sexually available, it’s time that we grew up. Our daughters aren’t living our lives — theirs are tougher. That means they need tougher moms.”
In truth, a mom trying to sell her daughter on a little modesty doesn’t have a lot of help, on Glee or in Seventeen — or, even more practically speaking, at the mall. If you’re shopping with your daughter this spring for a prom dress, it’ll be a sea of “plunging necklines, built-in push-up bras, spangles, feathers, slits and peek-a-boos,” as Moses writes. But, as Tide also knows, it’s not like there are protests in the streets or at the cash register about it.
We’re a far cry from “Want of modesty is want of sense.” But wouldn’t it be fascinating if out went Cougar Town and in came an authority that could fight to win? A common sense that might leave a little to be desired. A dignified sense that would teach girls to have higher expectations for themselves and the men they attract. A protective sense that would celebrate the father who wants only the best for his daughter. A motherly sense that confidently models authentic freedom in femininity and modesty.
Somewhere in all the female empowerment of the last decades, the feminine (and masculine) was often lost or confused. Mars and Venus came off their axes. Sexual chaos ensued. Regrets, we have a few. Sometimes our lives are a living witness to this. But, whatever has passed is past, we’re older and could be wiser, too; we’re teachers and models now. And one mother’s provocative quandary may be one sign that we’re culturally and individually open to rising to the occasion.
— Kathryn Jean Lopez is editor-at-large of National Review Online. This column is available exclusively throughUnited Media.
As a mom of three teenaged girls, I can attest that it is extremely difficult to find appropriate clothes for girls. You can protest all you want, but most stores just don't produce them. The ones that do are very expensive and can be cost prohibitive (espeically with three kids, in this economy.) Here's a challenge for you--try to find a bikini that is NOT a string bikini. Next to impossible!
We stress lots of layering in our home (but who knows what gets removed once they reach school!) We are lucky to have a strict dress code at our public High School that is sometimes enforced--no bare shoulders, fingertip length shorts and skirts. It's a start, but it doesn't apply to dances or social events. Always a challenge, especially for daughter #3.
We also tell the girls that boys are actually uncomfortable seeing them half-naked! If boys could get that message across that would help.
Moses says, "when I see my daughter in drop-dead gorgeous mode, I experience something akin to a thrill — especially since I myself am somewhat past the age to turn heads.”
You can bet your bottom dollar that She is not the only one who experiences "something akin to a thrill" when her daughter is in gorgeous mode.
Will that thrill be there when her little girl is knocked- up? Doing drugs? Fighting diseases?
How about when her little girl is grown up and has nothing but memories of being a Bimbo or a boy-toy, and her selfworth is based upon being an object of lust?
These women need to stop playing with their as if they were dolls. These are not only human lives that need to deal with human situations, these are children you brought into the world and were tasked to protect!
This is little less than child pornography, abuse and endangering a minor. Moses is very clear that she is aware of the provocative nature of her actions, as she laments not being able to "turn heads" any longer.
Mother Moses is more of a Madame Moses, and unfortunately, she has a lot of partners in this business and the client base is growing dangerous.
The problem comes down to the enduring immaturity that has infected parents of Generations X and Y. Their desire to remain eternally twenty defies the the responsibilities they freely accepted when they became parents. Time to grow up.
Geoph - The experience of being a Bimbo or boy-toy may just stand in the way of their ever growing old enough to have memories at all.
In my daughter's high school, girls are cutting themselves and starving themselves to relieve emotional pain. A 12 year old nearby recently posted her last wishes for who'd get her most precious possessions on FaceBook, then went into the wooded park in the middle of her upscale suburban neighborhood and hung herself. Another, a 14 year old, disappeared for several days after attending a city-center "Getting Lucky" Rave, although fortunately she was found "safely with friends."
Adult leadership and protection of childhood innocence is sorely lacking and cultural exposure to messages to indulge in boundarylessness are everywhere. It is an absence of love that is epidemic.
I find it striking that these mothers forget the lessons of the types of feminsts who argued against that type of exposure, the dominance feminist types like MacKinnon.
The idea that feminism keeps mothers from preventing their daughters from dressing trashily is surreal. That's not any real or sane feminism. It's an upside-down world in which we assume that no female, even a 12 year-old, may have her choices questioned. Ridiculous.
Fathers are half the problem, and in many cases, the absent fathers are totally at fault. Regardless of divorce, etc., the fathers need to stay involved. But as Kathryn's Tide example demonstrates, half of the problem isn't with fathers but with a culture that has decided that what girls do is none of their fathers' business. No prior generation thought anything so moronic, or required fathers to stand silently by as mothers allowed their daughters to make bad choices.
Don't buy the clothes. It's just that simple....The designers take a bath and begin to adjust to new standards that the consumers set.
My girls have been driving the styles back to dresses, covered tummies, and more feminine, demure designs. They make their clothes themselves or adapt what's on the rack, and within 2 years, what they've created is selling at the stores en masse.
"In my own case, when I see my daughter in drop-dead gorgeous mode, I experience something akin to a thrill — especially since I myself am somewhat past the age to turn heads."
Vicarious living through children, one of the scourges of our age--and a natural consequence of a culture that places too high a premium on youth, strongly encouraging the old to live vicariously through the young.
The problem is that she may (vicariously) experience the "thrill" of drawing attention, but she will not be the one suffering through unwanted advances, unhappy relationships, STDs (not all of which prophylactics protect against--but little do young people know that), etc., etc. She enjoyes the "thrill", but pays none of the adverse consequences.
As with other cases of parents living vicariously through their children, it is deeply selfish, and is nothing more or less than the mother putting her need for approval ahead of her daughter's best interests. If her daughter's long-term best interests were first and foremost, her attitude toward her daughter's attire would be very different.
For those looking for modest clothes for young women, it is true that many of the best retailers of relatively modest clothing tend to be expensive (e.g. Brooks Brothers). But Utah has a large cottage industry of modest clothing designers that also do formalwear and swimwear, and most maintain an online presence and are more affordable than high-end retailers.
and a blind eye looks to the Miley Cyrus/Vanity Fair feeding the pedophiles while we can pass laws that hold parents responsible if a kid cuts class or misses a parent teacher conference?
While the focus of this article is obviously on mothers & daughters, we shouldn't be quick to dismiss fathers and sons from this argument. The fatherly mentality comes into play, the same way that the mother in question receives a thrill from seeing her daughter in 'drop-dead' gorgeous mode, a father is quietly excited and proud of his son if he is able to troll on his female companions.
Fathers may be scornful of a son in front of their mother, but there's no doubt, that as soon as that conversation becomes father-son, the nature of it changes: Dad's are keenly aware of the sense of (displaced) accomplishment that young men feel when they're sleeping around -- and I say this as a single man who, well, sleeps around.
I am having a difficult time merely seeking out mothers and daughters in this equation: It feels too much like the "well, look what she's wearing, she asked for it..." argument (which may more abusively pertain to rape cases, but can also apply to more benign unfair objectification of young women). For every case of a young woman (or perhaps 'girl,' I'm not sure exactly what demographic we're talking about) opening herself to objectification through her wardrobe, there is a young man who is objectifying her because that sort of attitude amongst young men is almost always celebrated by the older men that they look up to and seek to imitate.
As the father of two sons who had to "deal" with the daily outcome of this dilemma, I was unprepared for what takes place between moms and daughters, especially when they hit the street looking like there was another "agenda". I began looking for some insight, both to understand it for myself, and to help my boys stay on the straight and narrow. In my quest, I came upon a wonderful book written by Wendy Shalit, called "Modesty". I cant thank her enough for writing this book. We are not Jewish, and there is a background of that morality in her thinking. But I find nothing to discount or exclude her discussion on that basis.
I would heartily recommend this book to all moms of daughters, and if the daughter are old enough, I would recommend it to them. It seems prudish, but then again, we continue to move the opposite way. so staying chaste will appear to be more and more prudish. I am glad this discussion is taking place. We have stopped watching Glee, a show we thoroughly enjoyed initially. But lacking a believable plot, it has gone the way of many successful first year shows by "jumping the shark". Thanks again for picking up on this. The pain being experienced by young teens is pretty amazing...this AmEx situation clearly does not help.
Here's how the Jennifer Moses WSJ story KJL refers to above begins:
"In the pale-turquoise ladies' room, they congregate in front of the mirror, re-applying mascara and lip gloss, brushing their hair, straightening panty hose" [...]
Wait, what?
I'm neither female nor young and hip, and will thus freely confess to being ignorant, but strikes me as wrong or "off" on several levels.
1) Isn't sheer hosiery all but dead among under-40s, for even the most formal occasions? Not only does the media mention this from time to time, we can see the evidence of it everywhere (at work, evenings out). This is an era when a winning college girls lacrosse team showed up to visit the President wearing flip-flops, not in a deliberate act of defiance, but as part of having dolled themselves up and blissfully oblivious that their doing so would be seen as disrespectful or even at all informal.
2) The only reason I can think of for "straightening" pantyhose, stockings, etc. is if they have a seam going up and down the back of the legs. Such seams have been unnecessary since the 50s at least, and their inclusion in hosiery today is not only consciously "retro" but also quite rare.
Combine these two unlikelihoods in a single story, and color me skeptical. Ladies, parents of hip youngsters, am I wrong?
Who knows, maybe the bat mitzvah or its affiliated temple/synagogue has a strict dress code banning bare legs. If so, I would hail it standing up for formality in a sloppy-casual culture. But seams?
Thank you, thank you, thank you Kathryn for this article! That Tide commercial has been eating at me everytime I see it. I mentioned my distaste for its message to my wife, who (naturally) dismissed my concerns. Now I have something to point to so that she might see that it's not just me being irrational.
re But wouldn’t it be fascinating if out went Cougar Town and in came an authority that could fight to win? A common sense that might leave a little to be desired. A dignified sense that would teach girls to have higher expectations for themselves and the men they attract. A protective sense that would celebrate the father who wants only the best for his daughter. A motherly sense that confidently models authentic freedom in femininity and modesty.
Elaine Dalton, Young Women President, LDS Church:
Individuals must guard their personal virtue and the virtue of others with whom they associate.
"It starts with believing you can make a difference," Sister Dalton said. "It starts with making a commitment. … Making decisions in advance will help you be guardians of virtue. I hope each of you will write a list of things you will always do and things you will never do. Then live your list."
Being a guardian of virtue means individuals will always be modest, not only in dress, but also in speech, actions and use of social media, Sister Dalton said.
"Being a guardian of virtue means that you will never text words or images to young men that may cause them to lose the Spirit, lose their priesthood power or lose their virtue. "
Being a guardian of virtue also means individuals understand the importance of chastity because of an understanding that bodies are temples and that the sacred powers of procreation and not to be tampered with before marriage, Sister Dalton said.
"For the mothers listening tonight, you are your daughters' most important example of modesty and virtue — thank you," Sister Dalton said. "Never hesitate to teach them that they are royal daughters of God and that their value is not based on their sensual appeal. And let them see your belief modeled correctly and consistently in your own personal attitude and appearance. You are also guardians of virtue."
"Here's a challenge for you--try to find a bikini that is NOT a string bikini. Next to impossible!"
Have you considered one-piece suits or tankinis? Aren't bikinis (of any kind) precisely the problem? Yes, they have been in fashion for fifty years, and they looked normal to me, too, until I had daughters. But it’s nonetheless true that your daughters are practically naked when wearing them. Are men not supposed to notice?
It's extremely difficult and sometimes even a bit cruel to expect girls to look different from all their friends. The ultimate answer is to change their environments so that they can flower without all the angst. I can't recommend home-schooling enough for this purpose (although even there you have to be careful about the influences of TV, church youth groups, etc.). Take it from me -- the young women eventually become stylish, self-as*ured, and accomplished, but they get to be little girls for nearly as long as you want them to be.
On the issue of the Tide ads - the mockery of men, and especially of married fathers, is relentless and wall-to-wall in our culture. We are shown as hapless buffoons, constantly bested by long-suffering smarter wives, back-talked to by smirking kids, bumbling through life, deserving and getting no respect, let alone deference and obedience. Have no doubt this shapes the culture and attitudes, and that this is in no small part deliberate.
Regarding the reluctance to tell your child "No" to something you did in your own youth: How did we come to such a thoughtless definition of hypocrisy? We are told that if you once engaged in something, you have no right to tell someone else--even your own child--that the thing is wrong, or even that it is simply unwise. That's not hypocrisy! Hypocrisy is knowing that something is right or wrong, but behaving as if it is the opposite. If your experience has taught you that something is bad, it is not hypocritical to tell others of what you have learned.
Picture a young child reaching toward a hot burner on the stove. The parent immediately moves to stop her--that is, to protect her. Imagine then, the thought police saying, "Wait a minute! Didn't you once touch a hot stove when you were a kid? You have no authority to stop this child from experiencing life the way they choose."
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