The Country’s in the Very
Best of Hands

It’s Li’l Barry, the musical, starring Barry Btfsplk


But it all goes smash in the second act when it’s revealed that Barry Soetoro is not some romantic Saracen cavalier out of Tasso, or maybe Tim Rice’s Blondel, but is actually the long-lost son of Jubilation T. Cornpone (Joe Biden), Dogpatch’s hapless idiot of a founder, and who was kidnapped by Somali pirates as a baby. Furious at the deception, the townsfolk turn the dreaded Evil Eye Fleagle (Jeremiah Wright) loose at a White House hip-hop party to pronounce the dreaded Btfsplk curse. In short order, a perpetual rain cloud appears above Barry’s head where his halo used to be, the economy craters, gas prices soar, the dollar plummets, wars break out everywhere, General Bullmoose (Tim Geithner) sells America’s greatest corporation to the Chinese for ten cents on the dollar and Donald Trump decides to run for president.

The money that they taxes us, that’s known as revenues,
They compound up collaterals, subtracts the residues.
Don’t worry ’bout the principle and interest that accrues,
They’re shipping all that stuff to foreign lands,
The country’s in the very best of hands.

In the end, a beleaguered Barry and Daisy Mae realize there’s no place like home, and so, having run the country into the ditch, off the cliff, and straight down the road to perdition, they deign to accept the lavish lifetime stipend that attends ex-presidents and return to Dogpatch, where they build the Barry H. Btfsplk Presidential Library and Genealogical Center, complete with an 18-hole golf course, a full-size NBA basketball court, and a personal chef.

You might object that the president has better things to do than to spend weeks in rehearsal and then a couple of months in the Richard Rodgers Theatre singing “The Country’s in the Very Best of Hands.” But stop and think about it: Where could Barry Btfsplk do less damage — on stage or behind the Resolute desk? I think the question answers itself.

Here’s the best part: We get Julie Taymor to direct. What could possibly go wrong?

— David Kahane has never written for the legit stage before, but for the right price he’ll do anything, so please send him notes of encouragement to [email protected] or become one of his Rules for Radical Conservatives supernumeraries on Facebook. You’ll be glad you did.