The Shanghai Gesture
In the Chinese guy, we have the perfect Peking sitting duck for you.


If you’re the basic, ignorant wingnut whose only source of “information” is Faux News — and you know you are — then you’re probably unaware that the race for the Rethuglican nomination is already over. Yes, troglodytes, since we are far more enlightened and evolved than you Neanderthals — not that there’s anything wrong with Neanderthals! — we and our compadres in the mainstream media have already selected the top of the ticket for you. No muss, no fuss: Why go through all the tsuris, agony, and expense of the primary season when you can just get it all over with right now?

Especially when the other candidates are so . . . well, so plebeian. They speak in the flat monotone of the Upper Midwest — and, aside from Fighting Bob La Follette and “Clean for Gene” McCarthy, you know how stupid those people are — or in that annoying Texas twang, or in that “Negro dialect” that Harry Reid helpfully pointed out His Serene Majesty the Emperor Barack Hussein Obama II, Lord of the Flies, Keeper of the Hoops, Master of the Greens, Bringer of Kinetic Military Action, Vacationer-in-Chief, Slayer of Osama, and Protector of the Holy Cities of Honolulu and Chicago, only has when he wants to.

So that’s why we’re sparing you the aggravation of having to sort through all these nonentities — can you believe how stupid Michele Bachmann is? — and cut right to the chase.

The Chinese guy is your candidate.

I’m speaking, of course, of “the real Morning Joe candidate,” the multilingual, achingly moderate former member of the Obama administration who has graciously accepted our nomination on your behalf and has thrown his d’ulì into the ring with a speech at the Statue of Liberty that was as far from that of the war-mongering cowboy — no, not that cowboy, the other one — as could be imagined.

I’m telling you, this guy is the complete package: credentialed, an Eagle Scout, an Ivy Leaguer, a former governor, and a former ambassador. Except for the homophobic Eagle Scout bit, what’s not to like? In every wise save for the trifling matter of his party affiliation, he’s one of us, which is why we feel so comfortable handing him your nomination. Call it our very own Shanghai Gesture.

You see, this Peking sitting duck believes firmly in our version of the Golden Rule: If you can’t say something nice about Emperor Hussein, then don’t say anything at all. First, because speaking ill of him is racist, in a way that Jon Stewart mocking Herman Cain never could be, on account of the purity of his heart. Second, because only a hateful bigot could possibly find anything about the president to criticize, unless you count his foreign policy, his domestic policy, and his stewardship of the economy, and we sure hope you don’t. And third, because we say so. In fact, I have it on good authority — which in big-time journalistic parlance means, I’m like totally just making this up — that his campaign slogan will be: Can’t we all just get along?

Bipartisanship. Yessireebob, that’s the ticket. The American people are sick and tired of the squabbling in Washington. They want politicians on both sides of the aisle to roll up their sleeves, reach across, and pass even more programs with which to bribe the public into thinking that our solons are looking out for them. And what better way to do that than to do it together and split up the electoral swag?

No need for bickering. No need for unpleasantness, which good moderates abhor. Just be out front and square with the public: Vote for us and we’ll keep protecting your federal government’s sacred bargain with (fill in the blank: the elderly/the poor/the disadvantaged/the nonwhite/the young) by borrowing and spending like there’s no tomorrow until there actually is no tomorrow. Party on, parties!

So that’s one major reason we’re getting behind good ol’ what’s-his-name, you know, the guy that neither of us could pick out of a police lineup, the man you never heard of until a few weeks ago . . . you know who I mean.

The other reason is even more important: He’s sure to lose.