Google+
Close
Carpocalypse Pow!
Count me in with Alfred E. Neuman: What, me worry?


Text  


I mean, here His Serene Majesty the Emperor Barack Hussein Obama II, Lord of the Flies, Keeper of the Hoops, Master of the Greens, Bringer of Kinetic Military Action, Vacationer-in-Chief, Slayer of Osama, and Protector of the Holy Cities of Honolulu and Chicago, is simply proposing to spend every last nickel in the United States Treasury, then borrow and print even more money to keep his subjects in the style to which he would like them to become accustomed — and then reward him commensurately at the ballot box next November — and you lot have the unmitigated gall to complain about it.

So what if the trustees of the entitlement programs says they’re heading for the last roundup? That’s just more of the same-old, same-old Faux News bunk you’ve been force-fed for years, and probably derived from Rupert Murdoch himself hacking into David Cameron’s iPad right there in No. 10 Downing Street, or whatever.

Advertisement
You’re also all wee-wee’d up over the debt “ceiling” (one of our little inside-Washington jokes, since the “ceiling” is infinite) heading north of $16 trillion, which is a number so large that not even Rachel Maddow can wrap her formidable mind around it, even using all her fingers and toes.  Besides, we’re just going to raise it again in a year or so anyway, so why are you fretting about it now?

Since the primary function of the federal government is to bribe a majority of the population with the money of a minority, we’re never going to stop paying Social Security, stop paying unemployment, stop paying Medicare and Medicaid, even with a death panel or two to cull the herd and weed out the stragglers. This is a deadly serious game of beggar-thy-neighbor we’re playing here, and guess who’s starring in the role of The Neighbor?

So if I were you, and I thank Gaia every night that I am not, I’d get with the program, the way we just did.  Get out of those cars and corporate jets, turn off those air conditioners, throw out those Edison light bulbs before we throw them out for you, and let the downsizing begin. Think of the money you’ll save, how much healthier you’ll be — why, you’ll even be able to snarf down a 1,700-calorie meal at the Shake Shack once in a blue moon or two without feeling guilty, just like the First Lady!

Carmageddon, Schmarmageddon — we’re always worried about apocalypse now, and yet it’s always just over the blue horizon. We’re so peace-loving that we don’t even fight in the War Room anymore, so why worry? Carpe diem, as Mrs. Diem said to Mr. Diem back in the day.

I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?

— David Kahane is always in a good mood, which is why his nickname is Sunny Jim. He would be happy to entertain your optimistic thoughts at [email protected]. Just be sure you’re fully briefed by Rules for Radical Conservatives first.



Text