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The Punahou Kid, and you miserable wing-nuts, need some time off.


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Which I think accounts for your Faux-News outrage against Barry’s well-deserved vacation/holy month of Ramadan observance on Martha’s Vineyard. With visions of a Frankfurt School apotheosis dancing in his head, the bestselling author, lifestyle billionaire, and the very personification of Vibrant Multiculturalism has been working tirelessly on the tearing down of the downright mean land formerly known as Amerika and replacing it with a kingdom of clean milk and cleaner honey for all. Party at Warren Buffett’s house!

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Luckily, most of you morons haven’t figured this out yet, which is why the slow-boiling-frog approach we’re using is working so well. You may not remember, but — with the exception of Carter’s one term and Bubba’s two — “America” has been ruled by Rethuglicans since Nixon beat Humbert Humbert — sorry, I mean Hubert Horatio Humphrey — in 1968. The EPA, OSHA, and whole host of other regulatory agencies were cooked up by your guys, and it’s been Barry’s genius to use your own weapons against you, turning what you thought was a shield against toxic air and Hudson River water into a terrible swift sword with which to bring down your whole rotten capitalist edifice. Thanks, Tricky!

You see, as that great Tammany macher, George Washington Plunkitt, would have said had he lived long enough, “liberals was born to rule,” and rule we will, one way or the other. All you have to do is believe.

Green jobs? There are millions of them out there, don’t you know, just waiting to happen were it not for the super-rich who want granny to choke to death on fossil-fuel pollution while Paul Ryan does his best Tommy Udo imitation and chucks her and her Medicare-provided wheelchair off Point Dume while cackling madly about balanced budgets.

Immigration? We all know the best thing to happen to this country since Ted Kennedy heroically decided that entry into the U.S. of KKKA was a civil right that ought to be extended to all the peoples of world, especially the ones underrepresented among the so-called Founding Fathers, has been the open border with Mexico — a development that has had genuine bipartisan support from both the beetle-browed troglodytes at the Wall Street Journal and the noble progressives at the New York Times. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, nothing, if you don’t count the demolition of the American labor movement, which has priced itself out of the market in the face of so-called “illegal” competition and yet somehow keeps funneling money to us, the architects of their destruction. Exhibit A: Detroit, Mich., where a thriving, integrated middle class has vanished, leaving the finest residential architecture in the country to collapse as tumbleweeds blow down Woodward Avenue. But it’s for a good cause.

Well, nothing, if you don’t count the soaring unemployment rate among African-Americans. Their nuclear families smashed, their illegitimacy rate soaring to 72 percent, up from 19 percent in 1940, their educational standards falling thanks to our “education reforms,” they’re not even America’s largest minority group anymore, and their influence and importance is only going to shrink in the years to come as Mexico takes up permanent residence in California, Arizona, and Texas. But it’s for a good cause. Viva la Reconquista!

Well, nothing, if you don’t count the annihilation of the kinds of well-paying manufacturing jobs that brought millions of white and black Americans out of poverty and into the middle class. But it’s for a good cause.

Well, nothing, if you don’t count the driving down of the dollar, soaring electrical rates, gas prices that will never come down, the wipeout of the Gulf states’ economies, and the bankrupting of the treasury. But it’s for a good cause.

Gaia forbid you should only wake the freak up and see what’s happening. You won’t, however, because except for Last Action Hero, characters in movies never realize they’re, you know, actually in the movie. And, brother, are you ever in this one: Udo Roi, or, The Obama Presidency: This Time, It Really Is Personal.

David Kahane wishes all of you who are unemployed, or whose houses are underwater, or whose families are living in homeless shelters and eating in soup kitchens nothing but the best. You can receive his personal condolences by writing to him at [email protected]. Just remember that you had it coming. 



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