How to Scare a Liberal to Death
Shiver your leftist neighbors’ timbers with a few of history’s characters.


Nothing offends liberals more than colonialism. It is, in their eyes, racism, sexism, and chauvinism all in one; it is the forcible imposition of Christianity and capitalism; it is the epitome of Western triumphalism. It is everything that leftists profess to hate. 

So, what better costumes to don for Halloween than those of great British imperialists throughout the centuries? After all, the Spanish considered Sir Francis Drake something of a monster (they called him “the Dragon”), Sir Richard Francis Burton “prided himself,” as the Earl of Dunraven noted, “on looking something like Satan — as indeed, he did,” and the British Empire actually got its start with piracy. 

First off, what about dressing up as Sir Henry Morgan? Today better known as the “Captain Morgan” of the popular spiced rum, Morgan was a patriot pirate who was eventually knighted and made deputy governor of Jamaica. Pirates are always popular at Halloween, and Morgan would have been the terror of liberal health and safety bureaucrats today. He did not, as the saying goes, “drink responsibly.” He ate capaciously, without any regard to the recommendations of the surgeon general. And as for occupational safety, his men once accidentally blew up their own ship during New Year’s revels. 

Sir Henry Morgan

Or why not try the satanic-looking Sir Richard Francis Burton? Liberals like to claim Burton as one of their own because Burton loved shocking Victorian sensibilities in matters venereal, and there is nothing that liberals like more than that. But if that be liberalism, Burton was in all other respects a hard-right Tory whose politically incorrect comments on every race, religion, and tribe would surely have driven the liberal thought police to order him imprisoned at Guantanamo. 

Sir Richard Francis Burton