Or perhaps one might prefer to play General Sir Charles Napier. Napier looked as though he was always dressed for Halloween, with wire rimmed glasses, leonine long hair, flowing whiskers, a hooked nose, numerous scars, and a slight facial twitch that was a reminder of the musket ball that had smashed through his nasal passages. A self-styled political liberal — whose hero was the arch-Tory Duke of Wellington — General Napier’s real political creed was that everyone would be better off under Napier’s own benign autocracy.
Aside from his personal heroism — and that of his family, for they were a military lot — what most endears him to conservatives is his campaign to put down the Hindu tradition of widow-burning, immortalized in these famous lines: “This burning of widows is your custom; prepare the funeral pile. But my nation also has a custom. When men burn women alive we hang them, and confiscate all their property. My carpenters shall therefore erect gibbets on which to hang all concerned when the widow is consumed. Let us all act according to our national customs.” That was “multiculturalism” Napier-style.
General Sir Charles Napier
There are plenty of others choose from, of course. Cecil Rhodes might suit some, Winston Churchill might suit others. But if you really want to shiver the timbers of your liberal neighbors, dress your kids as British imperial heroes convinced that the West — and most especially the Anglosphere — is best.
— H. W. Crocker III is a bestselling author whose most recent book is The Politically Incorrect Guide to the British Empire.