What Are the 39 Steps?
Zwei Heldenleben, by Theodor Adorno, starring SpongeBob SquarePants and Willard


So while you may think you can break with history and beat somebody with nobody, I would just ask you to sit down, take a deep breath, and figure out whether you really want to go through with this. Newt’s baggage may be in Bangalore at the moment, but it’ll be back in Washington pretty quick — just ask his former couchmate, Maerose Prizzi! The only question is how late in the cycle we drop the October surprises.

Really, it’s all too easy. Here we’ve handed you the most vulnerable incumbent since Jimmy Carter, and you’re going to blow it, all because you have too many 59-point programs and not a single four-year plan for winning elections.

Which is weird, because you folks often compare the office of president with that of a CEO of the nation. But let me ask you this — since when are the candidates to run one of your rapacious Rethuglican corporations self-selected? Do they simply show up in the boardroom, like contestants queuing up for American Idol? Do your directors just sit there and wait for some idiot to come along? Or do you have folks working behind the scenes to make sure the right nobody is the right man in the right time and place?

That’s what we did, the last time. You could do worse.

Then again, maybe you couldn’t.

— David Kahane is thrilled to be part of the Obama ’12! reelection team, Hollywood division. His new campaign movie, The Manchurian Candidate IV: This Time, It’s Personal, is about to start shooting in Hsinking. You can beg for a part by writing to him at [email protected], becoming his “friend” on Facebook, or following him on Twitter @dkahanerules. Remember: Don’t speak to him on the set.