You Only Vote Twice
The Mormon from Massachusetts is not who he claims to be.


John O’Sullivan

(With apologies to Ian Fleming, Cyril Connolly, and Leslie Bricusse.)

A David Axelrod Film
False Priorities USA
(A Chicago Values Company) 

Piers Morgan as James Bond
Chris Rock as President Obama
Christian Bale as Mitt Romney
Steve Carrel as Paul Ryan
George Soros as Ernst Stavro Blofeld
And introducing Sandra Fluke as Frenchie Galore

As the credits roll, we hear Nancy Pelosi singing her hit version of “You Only Vote Twice”

You only vote twice,
Or so it seems –
One vote for yourself
And one for his Dreams.
You work through the years,
And life seems fine.
The One then appears,
And Hope is his line.
But Hope is a danger
That beckons you forth.
Don’t vote for the stranger
Or your dreams go not North.
This vote is for you –
Don’t pay his price.
your dreams come true.
You only vote twice.

From the credits we go straight to the opening scene:

Scene: Penthouse suite of the Underwater Four Seasons Hotel in the Maldives

Time: The present

Bond pretended to be studying the agenda, but his multi-faceted contact lenses, modeled by Q on the eye of the common house-fly, enabled him to identify all the participants at SPECTRE’s weekend summer school.



Ernst Stavro Blofeld, his old adversary, occupied his customary place at the head of the table. Frenchie Galore, drawing on her poison-tipped cigarette holder, sat opposite Bond, gazing in a puzzled way at his recently shaved legs. Putin was there too. Also Mugabe, Chávez, Khamenei, and whoever the Chinese were saying was their ruler that month. The first item on the agenda was a plan to steal the U.S. election. 

Bond cursed his luck. Only 48 hours before, he had been on leave, driving his supercharged Rolodex XJ7 through the picturesque Akond of Swat when the call came from M to get to the Oval Office the next day at noon. There was no explanation except this: “We’ve neutralized a top SPECTRE operative for 72 hours. You’ll go to its secret meeting instead. The disguise is not ideal, but it’s the best we could do on short notice.”

That was M all over.

Bond commandeered one of the new Vermin P45 aquajets and made it with ten minutes to spare. He was ushered in to see the president right away.

“They tell me you’re the best, Commander Bond,” said the president wearily. “You’ll need to be. The man I want you to stop is a threat to the prosperity and very existence of the United States and the Great Kingdom of Britain. He is posing as the presidential candidate of the Republican party. His name is Mitt Romney.”

“The Mormon from Massachusetts?” asked Bond innocently. 

“Mormon? He knows no religion,” replied the president, and he shuddered.

“But he’s not secular or agnostic either,” the president added hurriedly. “He’s bitter, that’s it. And twisted. They say that when he offered to sell his soul to the Devil, it was the Devil who asked, ‘What’s the catch?’ That should tell you something.”