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scariest Halloween I ever experienced was four years ago when my
then six- and seven-year-old sons decided that they were going to
dress up as the Menendez brothers. That just seemed kind of demented.
For the rest of that year my wife and I slept with our bedroom door
securely locked. If their point was to spook us, they succeeded
in spades.
Some of my
fondest memories of youth were of Halloweens in Winnetka, Illinois.
Back in those days, Winnetka allowed trick-or-treating on October
31st, but the next town over Kennilworth, celebrated Halloween on
the 30th, Halloween eve. So we used to go out trick-or-treating
two nights in a row and we were quite systematic about it. We would
start right smack at 6:30 until well after 10:00. A lot of times
the parents would be irate because they'd already gone to bed by
the time we arrived at their house. Look, we'd say, just give us
the candy and no one gets hurt. We used to spend several weeks constructing
a detailed map that would send us on the route maximizing the number
of houses we could hit in the allotted time. (Even at that young
age I was an efficiency expert — born to be an economist I
guess.)
We used to
stash our loot in those huge six-foot-high trash bags, and by the
end of the night the thing weighed something like 30 pounds. By
about November 6th all I would have to do was glance in the direction
of a Three Musketeers bar and I would get sick to my stomach.
Trick-or-treating
in Kennilworth was a real trip. The average per capita income in
Kennilworth is bigger than the entire GDP of Afghanistan. And these
people gave away awesome treats for Halloween. One house I remember
used to give away silver dollars, and that was back in the late
1960s before Nixon, Ford, and Carter devalued the currency and the
dollar was really worth something. We used to change into different
costumes and keep coming back for more. This was our way of soaking
the rich. Back then I was a big class-warfare zealot.
There was one palace in Kennilworth owned by W. Clement Stone, where
even the carriage house was a mansion. Every year Mr. Stone would
give away lavish gifts. One year when the stock market had done
particularly well, he gave people cars. No not Matchbox cars, real
cars. After leaving the Stone residence, you would walk down the
street and ask your buddies: Whud you get? And one person would
say, I got a BMW. And someone else would say. I got a Jaguar. And
then I would say, dang, I only got a Chevy. That was a terrible
Halloween.
In those days the question of who you would go trick-or-treating
with was a big status issue. Sometimes nobody would invite unpopular
kids to go trick-or-treating at all and those unfortunate souls
had to be escorted by their parents, which was really embarrassing
if you were over the age of four. This is probably one of the great
differences between growing up today and growing up 30 years ago.
Nowadays, parents are omnipresent — they escort their kids
everywhere. They set up play dates for their fifth grade kids. Everything
is organized by parents and run by parents and…well if you
ask me, ruined by parents. I truly believe that all these idiot
soccer leagues are much more for the insufferable modern-day parents
than the kids.
I used to go
whole summers without seeing my parents — except for when they
fed me. I don't think there was ever a time after about the second
grade that my parents worried about where I was. (I was a bit of
a problem child, so I think they half hoped I had been kidnapped
whenever I didn't show up for dinner on time.)
Oh sorry, yes, about Halloween. There was a brief and forgettable
time in the late '70s and early '80s when Halloween became an adult
holiday. People started throwing lavish costume parties, but the
part for kids was phased out. Trick-or-treating was confined to
the daylight hours, which was about as much fun as having the senior
prom on a Tuesday night. Parents became terrified that their kids
were going to eat a Mars bar laced with cyanide or containing razor
blades. The
good folks at STATS, the research organization that pummels media
myths, have found that this was one of the great hoaxes of all time.
There never were razor blades in Halloween candy.
Now Halloween
is a big deal again for kids. And thank God. I have a sister-in-law,
a real Bible thumping' southern Baptist, who doesn't allow her kids
to participate in Halloween. Why? Because "it's a pagan holiday."
Well, thanks to the ACLU, aren't they all now.
George W. Bush has asked us to get back to the normalcy of our lives
as the best way to defeat the evil intent of the terrorists. That
means, yes, Virginia, there should be a Halloween this year. And
any insecure parent out there who won't let their kids out on this
wonderful evening of fun and mischief, BEWARE. I know where you
live, and I'm coming to egg your house.
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