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PROLOGUE:
NICE AND EASY
DAY
ONE: BLOUSES OFF A short, square MP walks by. He's got a big grin on his face. "Oooh, it's going to be in the upper nineties, high humidity all week! They said it's going up to 101 on Tuesday...Where are you bunking? On the second floor? Heh heh...that should be cozy, all the heat rises up there!" He couldn't be more delighted. The screaming woman walks through again. "Blouses off! DO YOU HEAR ME!?! BLOUSES OFF!" Processing, paperwork, forms. Then, we're marched off to the parade grounds to meet our instructors. There's a large corporal with a big, cheery smile that lights up his whole face. It's a friendly face — he seems like a nice man. I soon discover that CPL Cheery has the disconcerting ability to transform his features in an instant into the simmering glare of an escaped lunatic. Now he's smiling again. Now he's glaring. I make a mental note to avoid CPL Cheery. The Screamer from processing is there. She seems to have calmed down a bit. She's no longer screaming, just smoldering. Another instructor, a shifty looking, bald middleweight has the disconcerting ability to yell in a whisper. Even when he says something innocuous like "good morning" it sounds like a threat, hissed through clenched teeth. Like a snake. "In here we protect democracy — we just don't practice it," The Snake hisses. One more; a large man. Big Guy. A D.I. right out of central casting. An immense, bald, brick wall of a man. Huge. Two hundred fifty pounds of hostility packed tightly into a uniform pressed within an inch of its life. You could slice a tomato on the crease in his collar. An extremely large man. He stands in front of us, glaring, not moving a muscle. The earth has aligned itself under his center of gravity. He speaks. "Ladies, I don't know what you heard about New York Guard basic training, I don't know what you thought this was going to be...but, trust me on this, you're about to find out." A smile cracks across his large, bald, square head. "When they asked me to be a Drill Instructor for the New York Guard I told them I'd do it on one condition — that it was a real boot camp, not some sissy-@X% patty cake! So trust me on this; by the end of this week..." He pauses, fixes us all with a glare that could stop traffic. As quickly as it appeared, the smile is gone. "I am really going to get on your nerves." Then, The Screamer yells at us to put our blouses on. It's going to be a long week. TO BE CONTINUED… EDITOR'S NOTE: Check in Friday for the second installment. — Comedian Dave Konig starred on Broadway in Grease! and won a New York Emmy as the co-host of Subway Q&A. He just completed his first novel Good Luck Mr. Gorsky. He is also an NRO contributor. |
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