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October
31, 2002, 9:00 a.m.
Politically
Correct Halloween Costumes
A parents’ guide.
By Susan &
Dave Konig
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 ey
parents, before you send those kids out there for trick or treating, be
aware that many traditional costumes once considered "fun" are
actually extremely offensive to most enlightened and attuned individuals.
If you insist on dressing your kids in outfits that simply reinforce negative
stereotypical images of marginalized behavioral prototypes, that's your
business. But please, at least utilize the correct, socially approved
nomenclature — for the sake of the children.
The Disenfranchised
Externally Domiciled Person (formerly "The Hobo"):
Very similar
to the classic kids' "Hobo" getup, complete with adorable checkered-handkerchief-filled-with
belongings-on-a-stick. Actually, exactly the same as the classic kids'
"Hobo" getup, complete with adorable checkered- handkerchief-filled-with-belonging-on-a-stick.
Only you can't say so out loud.
The Elder Statesmen
(formerly "Scary Mummies"):
Long forgotten
ancient mummies rise from their dark lairs to raise evil spirits (and
property taxes, income taxes, sales taxes, capital gains taxes....). Now
available in Minnesota and New Jersey.
The Wiccan Priestess
(formerly "Witch"):
Wiccans
are just like any other religion, only they stir up potions in big vats
and cackle a lot and say things like "Hoot, hoot — eye of newt!"
And they don't mean Gingrich! Just like the old "witch" costume
except...well, except they're, um, Wiccan priestesses. Okay?
Frankenstein's
Clone (formerly "Frankenstein's Monster"):
Don't call
him a "monster"! This bolt-necked, clompy-footed fellow can't
help the fact that he was artificially engineered in a laboratory. He's
not a stitched together creature of the undead; he's modern science at
work. Remember — clones have feelings, too.
Formerly Living
Person (formerly "Ghost"):
When your child throws a sheet over his head and exclaims: "Boo!
Look at me! I'm a scary ghost!" It is your responsibility to say;
"No Billy, you're a life energy who has passed over to the other
side with an inexplicable desire to converse on national television with
John Edwards."
Corpuscle-aholic
(formerly "Vampire"):
We now know that Transylvanians, particularly members of the Transylvanian
royal family such as counts, are genetically predisposed to compulsive
nocturnal behavioral patterns and (how to put this politely?) "drinking
problems." While one cannot condone their anti-social "acting
out" (like biting people on the neck and turning into bats), one
must learn to understand the underlying causes. Of course, admitting you
have a problem (or, admitting that you sleep all day in a coffin wearing
a tuxedo) is the first step. If you, or someone you've bitten on the neck,
is a Corpuscle-aholic, ask for help. Remember, today is the first day
of the rest of your life (which, if you are an eternal creature of the
undead, could be a really, really long time).
Follicle-ly Over-Stimulated
Individuals (formerly "Werewolves"):
Okay, there's no need for anyone to suffer from the symptoms of this rare
and humiliating disease anymore. Modern-day methods of electrolysis, depilatory
creams, and waxes and, of course, extensive therapy and prescription anti-depressants
can help turn your half man/half animal into a socially acceptable gentleman.
That is, if one accepts the conventional stereotypes of patriarchal male
behavioral patterns.
Non-Human Family
Members (formerly "Pets"):
A Black Cat? A Playful Puppydog? A Funny Monkey?
Funny to whom? Exploiting
these animals as "Halloween costumes" merely advocates other
forms of animal "testing" and "forced domesticity."
This year, when your three year old insists on dressing as a "kitty
cat" for Halloween, remind him and/or her that she and/or he is not
just "dressing up" as an "animal" but, rather, is
representing a "different," but "equal" member of
the "society of creatures," with all the "rights"
and "entitlements" inherent in their "status" as "leg-enhanced"
"entities." He and/or she will thank you for it.
Have a safe, happy,
and socially aware Halloween.
—
Susan Konig is a freelance writer and author of the book Why
Animals Sleep So Close to the Road and other lies I tell my children.
Comedian Dave Konig
starred on Broadway in Grease!
and won a New York Emmy as the co-host of Subway
Q&A. He just completed his first novel
Good Luck Mr. Gorsky.
The Konigs are both NRO contributors.
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