A Klingon Writes…
A response to Jonah Goldberg.

By David Trimboli
April 5, 2001 9:50 a.m.

ast week, NRO editor Jonah Goldberg wrote a column about the growing popularity of the Klingon language, among other things. Mr. Goldberg was stumped over the translation into Klingon of the phrase: "Can I borrow your towel? I just hit a water buffalo." David Trimboli, an amateur linguist in Cold Spring Harbor, NY, replies:

Sir,

The link to your article has been passed around the Klingon Language Mailing List, so you may have received other letters about the same thing. All the same, I can translate your very useful quote: "Can I borrow your towel? I just hit a water buffalo."

To translate Klingon, one needs the following resources: The Klingon Dictionary (TKD), Klingon for the Galactic Traveler (KGT), and the New Canonical Words List — available at http://www.kli.org/tlh/newwords.html. The first two books were written by Marc Okrand. TKD presents the essence of the Klingon vocabulary and almost all of the grammar (and you can't skip the grammar if you expect to get it right). KGT is a book of dialects, slang, new and special vocabulary, and a whole bunch of other things. The New Canonical Words List is a compilation of all other words provided by Marc Okrand, including etymology and sources (newsgroups, the KLI journal, HolQeD Linguistics, etc.). There is no authorized online Klingon dictionary: It is believed that such a document would be a violation of Paramount's copyright (this is one reason why you wouldn't have gotten far in translating your sentence: Most of the basic words are in TKD, and the KLI has no interest in competing with Okrand's work).

There are two snags that make translating your quote difficult. The first is the word "towel." No doubt you looked and failed to find a word for it. I suppose we shouldn't be surprised at that: On Star Trek: The Next Generation, Worf is known to dislike bathing ("Swimming is too much like … bathing"). Other Klingon hygiene jokes may be found on the various Star Trek series. So it should come as no surprise that Klingons haven't provided us with a word for "towel." (And in the real world, Marc Okrand just didn't think of adding it, or he specifically decided that Klingons don't have a word for it.)

So how do we translate "towel"? It's pretty simple: QaDwI' "thing which dries." This, of course, could also refer to a hair dryer or clothes dryer, but the point of the joke will not be changed. If you wish to be pedantic about it, say nuv QaDwI' "people drier," "thing which dries people."

The first sentence may thus be translated as QaDwI'lIj vIngIp 'e' Dachaw''a'? "Will you permit me to borrow your drier?" I could say QaDwI'lIj vIngIplaH'a' , which is, "Can I borrow your drier?" but this is just as incorrect as it is in English (it's "may," not "can").

However, as the point of your article was the allure of the fictional Klingon culture, perhaps we would be better off in recasting the sentence to fit the Klingon mindset: jIHvaD QaDwI'lIj yInob. "Give me your drier." This may be shortened, if you like, to QaDwI'lIj HInob.

Now on to the second sentence. Klingons have no word for "water buffalo." Buffalo are indigenous to Earth, so there's no reason why they would have a word for them. What's the English word for the Klingon animal "targ"? There isn't one, and even if Klingons were real, there wouldn't be one. We'd just say "targ."

And therein lies the real problem with the quote. It's a pun, and puns are often difficult to translate between languages. (For some amazing examples of cross-language puns, see The Klingon Hamlet . For every pun written by Shakespeare, the translators managed to create a parallel pun. Shakespearean humor can be very complex, and the translators took special care to retain the complexity of the humor.) You want a towel because you hit a water buffalo, as if you got wet from the water. But if we try to describe a water buffalo in Klingon, it is unlikely that the words used will have anything to do with water. (And I also consider it likely that you realized this when you began your "quest," simply to ensure the translation would fail.)

But, if you really want to preserve the joke, you'll need to talk about a "water animal" or some such thing. "Water animal" would be bIQ Ha'DIbaH, but just as in the English, it's likely that your listeners would be thinking of a fish, in which case a towel would make sense, and the joke would be ruined.

Or, if you want to save the name "buffalo" (as we retain the name "targ"), you might call it a " bIQ "buffalo." In this case, though Klingons would be scratching their heads about what a bIQ buffalo was, you'd get: bIQ buffalo vIngeQpu' "I've collided with a water buffalo." "Collided," of course, could be substituted for with "smashed into" or "hit," so there's no need to think this isn't a good translation.

By this time, however, the joke is pretty lame. Anyway, here is the translation: QaDwI'lIj Hinob bIQ *buffalo* vIngeQpu'. I hope this is of use to you on your drive home today.