April 22, 2005, 7:46 a.m.
The Nature of Conflict
Friends of animals get selective.

By Bruce Stockler

"Audubon Group Advocates Deer Hunting" — recent headline in the New York Times

The New Jersey chapter of the conservationally ambiguous organization announced it has grown tired and bored of protecting deer, which one member characterized as "vermin with Paris Hilton's bone structure," and that the membership instead looks forward to seeing deer not only culled by hunters, but also mowed down by speeding cars, butchered by sleepy truck drivers, trapped alive under boulders, and picked off by emotionally disturbed children armed with slingshots and flaming bottles of gasoline.

The hitherto pacifistic group also announced it has begun a trial program of tossing hamsters into the Hudson River and shaving the fur off of seeing-eye dogs to produce limited-edition fur coats to wear to rave-up parties.

The leadership committee of the society could not be reached for comment. An inside source said that senior members were out in the woods, throwing hand grenades at black bears.

The previously fauna-minded organization is funding research into a number of new animal-related technologies, including cat-sized napalm bombs, mountain cabins that automatically fall onto cougars and goats, and satellites that can project deadly laser beams onto pet monkeys.

Mailboxes, lawn ornaments, and garbage cans rigged with C-4, anthrax spores, and sarin gas are inexplicably available for sale on the group's website. "Nuke Iran" T-shirts and "Let Your Faucets Run!" wall calendars were offered at $13.95.

Mechanical robots programmed to smash owls, penguins, and great auks together in their giant, mechanized hands are also in development. "Animals that fly are creepy," said one Audubon member, who was eating Siberian-Tiger-and-cheese fritters.

In a statement, the once vaguely left-leaning group also admitted it had spent $89,000 to market giant panda legs to leading French chefs as an alternative to frogs legs.

In its online calendar for 2006, the group's "Fun Raising" events include running giant pandas over with lawn mowers, firing Asian elephants into outer space and stuffing lowland gorillas into particle accelerators.

An initiative to throw empty bottles and old refrigerators into the Grand Canyon will begin this summer.

The pastorally challenged coalition is expanding internationally. First project: A partnership with oil and mining conglomerates to drill giant holes down to the center of the earth to find out if the planet can be nudged off its rotational axis. The indefinably evolving society will also launch a publicity campaign to promote skin cancer, e-coli, and radiation poisoning as unfairly maligned and misunderstood components of the modern healthy lifestyle.

— This humor piece was written by Bruce Stockler, a public-relations consultant in New York. He is author of I Sleep At Red Lights: A True Story of Life After Triplets.

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