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we enter the second month of war, we need to keep score on the behavior
of our elected leaders. Who are the new Churchills? Who are the
new Chamberlains?
The cherished
Wuss awards, regularly bestowed on leading appeasers during the
Cold War, have been gathering dust for more than a decade, but the
brilliant performance of congressional leaders in recent days convinced
the award committee it was time to resume. Dedicated as all Americans
are in these trying times to evenhandedness and bipartisanship,
the committee's members (names concealed for obvious reasons) have
voted the first Wuss awards of the 21st century to House Speaker
Hastert, Senate Majority Leader Daschle, and Senate Minority Leader
Lott.
Lott was an
obvious choice, since he proposed to shut down the World's Greatest
Deliberative Body within seconds of the first report of anthrax
spores in the Hart Senate Office Building. The committee was convinced
that this impressively rapid response showed that Lott had anticipated
a threat to Senate security, and had carefully planned his dramatic
call for instant appeasement. Not surprisingly, other leaders had
to scramble to try to match his speedy and dramatic call for surrender.
Hastert actually
managed to go one step further, for his passionate call for House
closure came despite a total lack of any threat to himself or any
other House member. Not a single spore had been found in any House
office building. Not a single staffer had been infected, or even
sprinkled. Yet Hastert was more than equal to the challenge, and
the committee was unanimous in its admiration for his dynamic leadership.
Daschle took
some time to catch up, even though his office holds the current
record for spore count and staff infection. Perhaps because his
office is in a part of the Hart Building, which is served by a separate
ventilation system (and thus most other offices are not affected
by anything in Daschle's ducts), he may have felt he would appear
insufficiently Solomonic if he asked other senators to stay home
instead of doing the nation's business. But he overcame his initial
dithering and issued a strong call to close down the whole thing.
Committee members felt he was entitled to a Wuss of his own despite
his early uncertainty.
With both Senate
leaders on board, one might have imagined quick passage of the measure,
but the forces of appeasement were unexpectedly gunned down by Texas
senator Phil Gramm, who proclaimed his intention to stay and work,
and even went so far as to say it was more important than ever for
the Senate to remain in session, as an example of civic courage.
For the moment,
no definitive decision has been reached in the Senate, which will
reconvene on Thursday morning before closing for "medical research."
The committee
had hoped to be able to reward the entire Senate with a collective
Wuss. This is no longer possible, but committee members remain confident
that other national leaders will soon be able to add a newly polished
Wuss to their trophy shelves in the very near future.
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