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is a mauler of mullahs, and a colossus in Kabul, but for the secretary
of defense these triumphs may only be a beginning. Squinting through
his glasses for media briefing after media briefing, this gray-flannelled
generalissimo is America's newest TV sensation. What's more, with
every appearance, some say, he is making additional conquests, not
of Herat this time, but of hearts, the hearts of women all over
America, each beating a little harder at the thought of a man who,
these ladies like to believe, doesn't need the help of a B-52 to
make the earth move. Donald Rumsfeld, it seems, has become a romantic
icon, a History Channel guy who is going to wind up on Lifetime.
We shouldn't
really be surprised. Chicks dig chiefs, or, to use Henry Kissinger's
more elegant phraseology, " power is the great aphrodisiac."
In a celebrity-saturated culture, Secretary Rumsfeld may also be
benefiting from a subliminal association with an already-established
idol, one called Cruise (the actor not the missile). There are,
after all, some remarkable similarities between the two men. Both
are a little on the short side, both were high-school wrestling
stars, Tom Cruise played a naval aviator, and Donald Rumsfeld was
a naval aviator. Could it be that in the fantasies of his followers,
Rummy is really Maverick?
It took Larry
King to try and bring discussion of some of these issues out into
the open. Interviewing the defense secretary the other night, CNN's
most courageous investigative journalist came out with the question
that no one else in America had dared to ask.
"Secretary
Rumsfeld…Do you like this image? You now have this new image
called sex symbol."
It is safe
to say that, unless there was more to Robert McNamara than met the
eye, this is not a question that has ever previously been put to
a wartime secretary of defense, but there was no need to worry.
As we all now realize, Mr. Rumsfeld is someone well equipped to
deal with an unexpected challenge, and his response to this latest
media impertinence was calm and to the point.
"Oh come
on."
As fans of
Rummy's press conferences will know, follow-up questions can be
dangerous (to the journalist). Larry King, however, is no member
of the milksop Pentagon news corps. Eager for martyrdom, he persevered
with his line of inquiry, fearlessly claiming that Mr. Rumsfeld
was indeed "the guy." At this point, it would be reasonable
to hope that the defense secretary would, as befitting his job description,
stick to his guns. Our hero wavered. And who can blame him? Told
by the seven-times married Mr. King that, when it comes to love-god
status, you are now "the guy," it must be difficult to
resist.
So, Mr. Rumsfeld
admitted that he could be a sex symbol, but "for the
AARP." He was, he explained, "pushing 70 years old".
And then came
the moment, horrible to watch, when Larry King went too far. He
suggested that the hammer of Kandahar was "kidding" about
his age, an assertion that brought a stern response.
"I'm 69
and a half years old. Don't give me that stuff."
The Rumsfeld
we all know and fear was back. An alarmed Mr. King hastily moved
on to safer subjects, such as the role of Kuwait in the current
conflict. There was no more analysis of Rummy's attractiveness on
TV that evening, and there has not been much since. So far as mainstream
media are concerned, this important topic remains largely hidden
under a broadcast burqa, driven there either by fear of savage Rumsfeld
reprisal or by liberal reluctance to admit that the GOP had finally
found a politician who some women actually liked. Newspapers have
been no more forthcoming.
So what then
is the truth about the defense secretary's sex appeal? The Internet,
usually so helpful when it comes to study of this kind, was of little
assistance. An initially promising Google check revealed 134,000
entries under "Donald Rumsfeld" (well behind his popular
doppelganger "Tom Cruise" (399,000) but closing in on
"George Clooney" (143,000)). On closer examination, however,
these sites seemed to focus on trivia such as the war, terrorism
and the future of the nation. If there were any Rumsfeld fan pages,
they were hidden in cyberspace's equivalent of the caves of Tora
Bora.
The inevitable
next step in this research, from the web to real women, can often
be difficult for those of us who surf the Internet, and it was not
made any easier by the harsh budgetary constraints within which
anyone who deals with NRO has to operate. Plans for a nationwide
survey, scientifically compiled by, say, Gallup and broken down
by region, income group, age, ethnicity, political affiliation and
tendency to watch C-Span had to be shelved in favor of a random
series of questions addressed to a far smaller and entirely unrepresentative
sample of the fairer sex. However, even after removing the rather
over-enthusiastic replies of a few female conservative journalists
(this is a family-oriented website), the conclusion was clear: When
it comes to the ladies, Rummy has got what it takes.
The revelation
that Secretary Rumsfeld remains married, after nearly half a century,
to his childhood sweetheart was, to this group, both encouraging
(as to his qualities) and disappointing (as to their prospects).
Other, less-daunting objections were swiftly swept aside by Rummy's
would-be Juliets. Yes, it was conceded, he could be a little brusque,
but a straight-talking manner is these days apparently more seductive
than a bulk-bought copy of Leaves of Grass.
The "AARP
issue" turned out to be even less of a problem. The much younger
"Betty" (Chicago, Illinois) offered to "share [Rumsfeld's]
early bird special any time." If anything, the defense secretary's
age appears to add to his allure. In tough times, daddy is back,
and so, incidentally, are his clothes. The always stylish "Susanne"
(Pelham, New York) appeared pleased by "her" Donald's
fashion sense, a development that may suggest that the next time
Naomi Wolf is advising a politician how to dress "alpha"
she should steer him away from earth tones and towards Gerald Ford-era
gray. So great is the appeal of Adonis Rumsfeld that, Freddy Krueger-like,
his power even reaches into the subconscious, and, more specifically,
the dreams of "Kathleen" (Washington, DC), an experience
she described as "invigorating."
The only sour
note in this entire investigation came from a disappointing source,
Vice President Dick Cheney. Speaking to US News & World Report
from his now traditional "secret, secure location." Mr.
Cheney conceded that the defense secretary was "a babe magnet"
but only "for the 70-year-old crowd." (He repeated the
slur Tuesday night in a Fox News interview.) Well, if that's
not a Lieberman moment, what is? Coming from Mr. Rumsfeld, those
careful words of qualification were appropriately modest, but from
the mouth of Dick Cheney, they sounded a little just a teeny bit
envious.
Mrs. Cheney's
comments were not recorded.
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