The Corner

The one and only.

Re: Let’s Talk about the Weather


John, you are so not up to speed on global warming. Global warming causes your big chill in North Carolina, and getting a fleece-lined jacket from Wal-Mart will merely make it worse, as the increased emissions from the child sweatshop in Shanghai will only melt more ice caps, causing all that ice to float down into the mid-Atlantic and further frost up your day in Durham. Everything is a sign of global warming, including your trip to North Carolina. Was it necessary? Wouldn’t you have used up less of the world’s resources if you’d just stayed home in an unheated room burning superfluous columns for warmth?

Remember the old rustic proverb:

If ‘tis warm in December
It be global warming you must remember
But if it be cold in Jan
That means even more products we must ban
And if in Feb it’s just 53 and partly sunny with occasional showers
That means ye Earth will only survive a few more hours.

Everything’s a sign of global warming. According to Nigel Sweeney, Queen’s Counsel, prosecuting those jihadists in London – the bombs failed to go off because of “the hot weather on July 21 affecting the chemicals”. See? We could lose Bush’s war a lot quicker if it wasn’t for all this climate change. Typical bloody neocons.