Tales from the Homefront

by Jonah Goldberg

First some back story.

1. We have a DVR cable box (i.e. a generic Tivo). Lucy has only recently gleaned its significance in that she can sometimes fast forward through the commercials donor announcements before Curious George on PBS and the like. What we didn’t know is that Lucy has figured out how to use the pause button.

2. Lucy loves the beach. Last year we went to Hawaii with her grandparents who were renting a house out there for a semi-family reunion (full blown family get-togethers are hard when there are nine kids, 7 spouses, and something like 16 grand kids). Lucy loves Hawaii. She asks to go back roughly once every 45 minutes. We’ve told her we can’t go back any time soon because — and this just happens to be the truth — we can’t afford it. This vexes her greatly. She has only a loose understanding of money and routinely picks up spare change around the house and gives it to her mommy in order to defray the costs of a trip to Hawaii.

Okay. So, yesterday my wife — aka The Fair Jessica — was working at her computer in her office. Lucy was hanging out downstairs with her cousin and her cousin’s nanny in the living room. Suddenly, Lucy runs upstairs, shouting “Mommy! Mommy!”

Jess asks, “what is it?”

Lucy: “I have to show you something!”

So, grabbing Mommy’s hand, Lucy leads her in a mad  scramble downstairs where Jessica sees that the TV has been paused. Lucy grabs the remote and hits play. And a commercial for one of those quickie mortgage refinance companies blares something about how you could get a lot more cash out of your house.

Jess, confused, looks to Lucy. Lucy says, as earnestly as a four year old can, deadpans: “Mommy, you could get a lot more cash.” 

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