It’s No Longer an Honor Not to be Nominated

by David Kahane

Stand with me upon the terrace, Watson. For the first year in many, I didn’t know any of the dearly departed personally, although the amanuensis used to see Jill Clayburgh every now and then in his neighborhood, and he once corresponded with Lena Horne in the course of writing And All the Saints.

  • Great to see Lena, the legendary Cotton Club performer singing house composer Harold Arlen’s Stormy Weather.” Somewhere, Owney Madden is smiling and counting the house.
  • Best Director — the good part! Fincher looks like a cinch.
  • Tom Hooper! “Listen to your mother.” Yes, sir!
  • Joel and Ethan — fire your agents. And your press agents.
  • Kevin Brownlow — be sure you read The Parade’s Gone By, his classic study of the silent cinema. It changed my life and it will change yours.

OK, here we go — actors, actresses and Best Picture!

Best Actress:

  • Presented by Jeff Bridges. Channeling first Bobby Duvall in Crazy Heart and now Billy Bob Thornton in True Grit, and making both of them his own. Introducing the ladies. Annette Bening. Nicole Kidman. Jennifer Lawrence. Natalie Portman, enceinte, channeling Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler. Michelle Williams. Gotta be Natalie, right?
  • Right again, Kahane!
  • Natalie, call me. Have loved you since The Professional.

Best Actor:

  • Bardem. Bridges. Eisenberg. Firth. Franco. Firth the favorite, Eisenberg the dark horse. You know Firth could have played this part in his sleep. He’s gonna win anyway. Hollywood loves Brits.
  • Told ya.

Best Motion Picture:

  • Ten, count ‘em ten. Toy Story 3 already got it’s Oscar. Probably goes to The King’s Speech. Looks like True Grit, the Coens’ biggest hit, gets shut out. 
  • Uncle Stevie presenting. 
  • Love the clips. Who doesn’t?
  • Beethoven Seventh in The King’s Speech. Tchaikovsky in Black Swan. Viva classical music!
  • And no royalties or clearances to the composers!
  • And the winner is –
  • Told ya again! The King’s Speech. Do I know this town or what?

Nice picture. True Grit got robbed. Somebody had to get robbed. 

See you at the Oscars next year, Hollywood and Highland. Just don’t bug me for tickets.

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