I’m a 40-year-old mom, a self-identified feminist since age six, a strong woman I’m told, married for nearly 15 years to the same man. A practical dresser and a low-maintenance type, I like to think. Also a fan of the democratic process. Not into kings and queens, and I can’t stand all that Pepto-Bismol-pink princess stuff marketed to girls (fortunately my daughter, now eight, never showed any interest in that stuff either).
Yet here I sit, planning to wake my daughter up very early this Friday morning to watch the Royal Wedding. Months ago I planned a menu of scones (homemade or store-bought depends on my level of motivation Thursday night), clotted cream (Whole Foods is apparently the source), jam, and tea. How my daughter will perform in school that day given a 4 a.m. wake-up call, or what time I’ll even get her to school, is an open question for now.
Why am I doing this?
Because when I was growing up, my beloved grandmother’s coffee table and the chest at the end of a bed in the upstairs guest room were always covered with glossy women’s magazines: McCall’s, Ladies Home Journal, Good Housekeeping. In my formative years their covers were often graced with the face of Princess Diana, sometimes with her gorgeous boys. My grandmother Mary Lois is no longer living, but one of those little boys is now getting married. Watching his Westminster Abbey celebration will somehow connect me to her.
But that’s not all.
I’m also doing this because I want my daughter to have some images of weddings in her head: big, bold, beautiful, over the top, stuck in your memory forever, a cultural-marker-for-the-entire-English-speaking-world type wedding. Not because I want her to have precisely that kind of wedding someday (no Bridezillas allowed here), but because as I approached marriage, I had no template in my head for what kind of wedding — or marriage — I wanted to have. I hear so often of women who planned their weddings even as girls. It never occurred to me to do that. No one ever talked to me about my future wedding or marriage or husband, about what I should look for or think about or avoid. I never once thought about my wedding day until I was old enough to consider marrying someone. Even then I was blank on how the whole event came together, or even the fact that a number of things need to be done, in a certain order, to make a wedding happen. When my husband and I got engaged, he ended up taking the lead on planning our fairly small wedding because most of it was a mystery to me.
My daughter is a bold, lively girl. Physically strong and strong-willed, long brown hair she’s only now deigning to brush, a fan of stretchy clothes she can move around in, far fonder of stuffed and real animals than dolls, a natural leader in a pack of kids. I love all that. But I also know that someday she’ll desire to bond with another. I want to get started talking, now, about how that might look. What makes for a good husband? Why is a wedding joyful? What does marriage look like, and what is it for? In the wee hours of a rainy spring morning, over scones and tea, the global spectacle of a royal wedding seems like a wonderful opportunity to converse lightly about these matters at once weighty, life-altering, and life-affirming.
— Elizabeth Marquardt is author of Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce, editor of FamilyScholars.org, and vice president for family studies and director of the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values.
A self-identified feminist since age six?
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseI think that statement explains everything.
A sweet and gentle essay. I was touched by it. Thank you.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseWhy don't you, instead, get out some of those magazines and talk to your daughter using those? *If* she takes any desire from this spectacle, it will likely be to have as outrageous a wedding as possible. I can only hope she will be totally disinterested and bored by the whole, outrageous spectacle - as a properly republican daughter of America should be.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseI disagree. I believe you were much more the exception than the rule. As you note, there are plenty of magazines to help girls -and later, women- see what a wedding should be like. And as you noted, many girls grow up with the wedding plan already in their head. All they have to do is plug in the groom, and hey, won't any man do? That's why I hate to see all the focus on this, or any other, wedding: It makes the wedding seem like the all-important event, and the marriage as an afterthought. Maybe that's why here in America, we're really good at the wedding thing, not so much the marriage part. For that matter, I guess the Royals are that way, too
Reply to this commentLinkReport Abuse"A self-identified feminist since age six?
I think that statement explains everything."
It might explain why the girl is a bold, natural leader who is disdainful of frippery. It doesn't explain why the mother wants the daughter to see the royal wedding. What on earth is to be learned from a wedding like this, which is a spectacle put on for the benefits of strangers? What relevance does it have to a *real* or *normal* wedding?
If she's anything like my sister at that age--and she sounds a LOT like her--she's going to stalk away from the TV and declare that she's going to elope with one of her teddy bears. Heck, if the alternative is this royalist pomp and circumstance, it's actually a reasonable choice.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseNot sure whether I'll watch this one or not. I'll at least record it. But as to the question of whether the royals still matter and why: One reason is that they're a kind of living history. They're actual flesh and blood descendants of Queen Victoria, etc., as will be the children of William and Kate. Which points up why weddings matter. There was a time when the fate of nations depended on who was in line to the throne. Which in turn depended on who was "rightwise born." Which was put on record by a spectacular ceremony that would be remembered for generations. Weddings these days can say to the world, "our children will be raised right" or at least that's part of what the message should be. Oh, and by the way, doesn't England tend to prosper with a reigning Queen? This must be why nobody seemed to have a problem when it became clear there would be an Elizabeth II.
Another reason royals matter was illuminated by "The King's Speech" and the address of the Japanese Emperor to the nation following this year's disasters. Someone has to speak for a nation, rally the people in a crisis and set a tone. It can be better to have that person not be a political type, though sometimes they do a good job too.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseI'm a woman old enough not to want to share my age (and gentlement never ask) but married 25 years(all of them to the same man) this year.
I am an independent and not a girlie-girl.
I love history, includng military history, and can't stand romance novels or chick flicks. (exception is Jane Austen but I cannot stand the Bronte sisters' work.)
I did watch Charles and Diana's wedding. I watched for the pomp and circumstance. I knew Diana was "problematic" based on her prewedding breakdowns and was never a fan of hers. But how often do you get to see such a grand event?
Weddings are celebrations of life and love. They are all fun and good and worth celebrating. When out and about, should I pass a wedding party, I always silently wish the couple happiness, good luck, and paitence as they start their lives together.
I am conflicted about watching the wedding live only becuase I doubt I wantt o get up at 4am but I will watch it (or parts of it) later on.
Why will I watch it (live or recorded)? To simply enjoy the grandure and yet the simplicy.
People need grandure from time to time. People need pomp and circumstand. People need to clebrate in great style. It sparks our imaginations. It evokes a little bit if brightness and romance.
I guess there is a girlir-girl deep down inside me.
I blame genetics but why should I fight nature when I can sit back and revel in it all?
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseEep!
Forgive my total lack of proof reading in my previous post! Tt's not a strong suite but this time, I missed everything!
I am mortified (more than usual!) by the errors.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseWas the captcha for the guys? LOL! "klatu berada nikto"
I will watch it even though I'm not into monarchies or celebrities.
I will watch it because it appears to be the one bright star of happiness and frivolity in a time of great global and personal unrest, and global and personal financial disaster.
My mother's immediate family (now just an uncle) lives in England and we were there the summer that Charles and Di married. We were going to go to London, changed our minds and watched it on TV. It was beautiful to watch, but I was only going on 9 at the time and didn't now the painful truth that would come out later.
But I also see William and Kate (and Harry) and I'm actually impressed at how well they turned out (even Harry - his service in the military and his desire to fight along side his men is beyond admirable as well as his charity work). They seem to all have pretty good heads on their shoulders.
The boys also remind me of their mother. I disagree that SHE was the problem. She was 19! She had met him 13 times and probably felt pressured to do it. Even on her honeymoon she learned that there was a third person she'd have to deal with.
She was a loving mother, protected her sons and tried to ground them. She did a lot of charity work, held sick HIV babies, etc. I see her sons doing that now, even Harry. They inherited her great compassion.
Did she run around with some men, including Dodi? Yes. But I for one don't fault her. As someone who wound up married to an unloving lout, I feel for her - for her need to feel and be loved.
She didn't deserve to die so young and in such a horrible way. But I know she's looking down on her boys this week and will be looking down on them on the wedding day and she will be proud.
Another reason for me watching it - despite the fact that I don't go in for monarchies, the British monarchy reminds me of Western Civilization and tradition and I think that with the barbarians at the gate, especially in Europe, it's nice to see something traditional and Western. And it will be nice to see Britons gathering and being proud of their country and their heritage, rather than apologizing for it.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseI do wonder what her reaction will be to having been awoken at 4 AM to watch the thing. Hope it doesn't spoil it for her :)
Seriously though, I don't think you really "get" what a wedding is until you go to one and see the celebration of love play out among friends and family. That's what it's really about. I don't know how royal weddings go, but I imagine there's a lot of formality, pomp and generally unfamiliar monarchical traditions that just don't translate to what the typical American wedding is (and what is the typical American wedding anyway?).
I don't think there's any harm in letting your daughter watch this one...it could really be a fun bonding experience. But I think if you really want her to get something joyful and life-affirming out of it, there's no substitute for being there.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseI thought the wedding was in the summer..shows you how much I care...however, I do know that the NFL draft starts Thursday and my guess is that many of the people who will be watching the wedding could care less about the NFL draft. Different strokes for different folks, as the saying goes.
However, I am curious as to how much the British tax-paying public doles out to the Monarchy each year. I'm assuming there is some 'public contribution', but maybe the Royal Family 'garnered' enough assets in the past that they can live the life of John Kerry; living off of a trust generated by someone else.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseMethinks the lady doth protest too much.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseWell, I'm watching and I'm not apologizing for it, either. I got up in the wee hours to watch the wedding of Charles and Diana, and missed the famous balcony kiss when I dashed to the bathroom after hours of of goggle-eyed viewing. It's history, plain and simple (or not so plain and simple, actually) and that's reason enough.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseMy older son won the heart of a beautiful, educated Christian young woman and they put their pre-wedding energy into a 12-week marriage-preparation course at our church, reading books, listening to teachings, and participating in discussions. Their wedding was as home-made as a wedding could be: one friend made a cake, and another catered the meal. She and I made the centerpieces and, the night before the ceremony, her mother, aunt, and I crawled down the aisle attaching swags of white fabric to the chairs. My beautiful daughter-in-law had not, in her youth, given a single thought to her wedding, but a lot of prayer had gone into preparing for the man she would love for her life. The church reception hall was funky and the wedding cake had a distinct tilt, but in the wedding photographs, my son and his bride are smiling and relaxed.
Also, don't you have a DVR so you don't have to awaken that poor child before dawn?
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseI'll be diddled if I get up at 4 a.m. to watch the wedding live. But I will definitely record it and view it later, even if not all at once. My graduate degree is in modern European history, and you cannot go through a discipline like that without having an appreciation for what Great Britain has meant to Europe and western civilization. Much of that stature has come from its monarchs, and the House of Windsor -- although it has had its frivolities, flops, and dysfunctional periods -- has had a tradition of service far different from many of history's royal houses, even in our own times. Even a casual examination of Britain's past shows that to be true. Sure, the wedding is a spectacular dog-and-pony show, but for anyone with a sense of history there's a much deeper meaning behind it all. If that needs to be explained, then you wouldn't understand.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseTo awaken your child at 4:00 a.m. to watch such a disgusting spectacle seems pointless and selfish. By all means do it yourself if you're so inclined, but please allow children to sleep, blissfully unaware that the world is a very depraved place.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseJust had to look but...
WHAT?????????!!!!!!!!!
GOOD GRIEF!!!
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseThis is one of the dumbest things I've ever read. What your daughter needs to learn about marriage she should learn from watching her own parents' relationship, not from watching a silly royal couple make it official after "practicing" being married for so many years. Show her your wedding video instead.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseI don't think anybody needs to apologize for what they consider worth watching.
It's also not surprising that people in a country birthed in the Anglo tradition would be interested in following such a thing.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseI have very fond memories of getting up early @ 4am with my Mom when I was 5 years old and watching the Wedding of Diana and Charles. I also have sad memories of getting up early to watch Diana's funeral. I plan to take the day off from my very busy and successful job, get up early and relax watching the Wedding of William and Kate. I have never planned to, nor do I care to, have a big wedding. It's just fun to watch and say you saw it live. No need to over think it and find some feminist/political meaning..
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