Apparently Dr. Keith Ablow — a Boston psychiatrist and co-author with Glenn Beck of The 7: Seven Wonders that Will Change Your Life — thought actress Cameron Diaz said something smart and prescient when she declared marriage “a dying institution” in an interview with Maxim. Ablow agrees with Diaz because he’s “not certain marriage ever did suit most people who tried it.” In fact, he goes on to say, “Marriage is (as it has been for decades now) a source of real suffering for the vast majority of married people.”
Such inanity from Diaz shouldn’t raise an eyebrow, but to hear such silliness from a medical professional of Dr. Ablow’s stature is mind-blowing. He demonstrates a stunning lack of awareness of the current social-science and medical research on marriage’s impact on health, happiness, and well-being for men, women, and children.
First, we must ask how Ablow reaches such a damning conclusion about the individual and social virtues of marriage. He knows this because of “what I hear in my psychiatrist office, and from what I hear from other psychiatrists and psychologists.” Appreciate what he’s saying here: “I see married people every day. And guess what? Every last one of them coming through my office is very unhappy and troubled.” Shouldn’t a professional psychiatrist expect to see very few happy married people in his practice? Oncologists rarely see patients who are not fighting cancer. Do most people then have cancer? Ablow sees no problem with selection bias here.
Since the 1930s, scientists have been consistently finding that married men and women are two to five times less likely to suffer any kind of mental illness than the unmarried of any category: single, divorced, or cohabiting. Joint research conducted more recently at Yale and UCLA concludes that, “One of the most consistent findings in psychiatric epidemiology is that married persons enjoy better health than the unmarried.” What’s more, a recent 17-nation study on the connection between marriage and happiness found that married men and women were more than three times more likely to be generally happy and contented with life than cohabitors.
In fact, a great mountain of published research shows that when compared to the unmarried of any relational status, marriage significantly boosts every important measure of human well-being for men, women, and their children, from general physical and mental health, longevity, educational attainment, sexual satisfaction, to financial earnings and savings and success at work. And the question among these scholars is not whether marriage is associated with improved well-being, but why! Marriage is also a strong protection from all forms of both serious and mild domestic violence, poverty, substance abuse, and relational infidelity. No other relational form — not singleness, dating, divorce, or cohabitation — comes close to mirroring the benefits associated with marriage. Pew Research in late 2010 found when comparing various relational forms in the United States that, “Married people are more satisfied with their family lives than are unmarried people.”
Ablow concludes his article with this cock-sure prediction: “It’s only a matter of time. Marriage will fade away.” However, a new, sophisticated report on marriage from the Pew Research Center tells a more positive story on marriage among the Millennials who, they report, have “the strongest desire to marry” of any generation alive today.
Ablow is concerned that what replaces marriage be “something that improves the quality of our lives and those of our children.” This is like wishing water away in favor of something that will really quench one’s thirst. Over the last 40 years, possibly more so than at any other time in human experience, we have had a great deal of experimentation with varying relational forms — increased singleness, hook-ups, fatherless child-bearing, cohabitation, divorce, step-families — and not one of these have come close to rivaling marriage’s empirically demonstrated ability to increase and enhance human happiness and overall well-being.
But forget the research if you want and just consider this. Imagine attending the 50th wedding anniversary of any couple chosen at random in any culture. Standing there with the couple, their children, grandchildren, extended family and friends, what is it that Ablow thinks we would be celebrating? If he is to be believed, we would have to pity this couple because they have most likely endured decades of “acrimony” and “suffering,” as he describes it, and are just putting on happy faces because the real truth would be too painful.
Marriage, an institution drawing the two streams of humanity — male and female – together, is common to all human civilizations throughout time. In fact, anthropologists believe that marriage’s beginnings cannot be traced because it “developed out of primeval habit.” No particular ideology, political arrangements, or social theory foisted marriage upon us. It is one of our most ancient and fundamental human goods. And as such, it will long outlast the prognostications of Hollywood starlets or media talking heads.
— Glenn T. Stanton is the director for Family Formation Studies at Focus on the Family and author of Secure Daughters, Confident Sons.
Mr. Stanton makes excellent points as to the benefits of marriage. Is it any wonder that gay men and women want to model their lives and homes after the stable, nuturing, and beneficial marriages we have witnessed over the years? And can anyone explain to me how denying gay men and women the right to marry helps "save" marriage or how allowing us to marry would destroy this venerable institution? Why are so many people afraid of letting same-gender couples have the opportunity to committ to each other the same way opposite-gender couples can and do?
Reply to this commentLinkReport Abuse"Marriage is (as it has been for decades now) a source of real suffering for the vast majority of married people."
I guess that my Wife and I must be part of a tiny minority then. I bet that tiny minority encompasses "the vast majority of married people" posting at NRO.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseAs you rightly point out there is an inherent bias in the people that walk across Dr. Ablow's threshold (as you say, very few happy well adjusted people go see a psychiatrist). One would think that a trained professional would understand self selection and sample bias. But beyond that, Dr. Ablow is a psychiatrist to the well to do. Having above average means allows people the opportunity to engage in certain destructive behaviors that certainly in previous ages would be too costly for the common man to engage in. In particular, it seems to me that being very well to do is actually *negatively* correlated to marital success. A well to do man is often times attractive to young beautiful women even if he is not physically handsome or would otherwise be too old to be considered as a potential lover or mate. Quite simply, the wealthy face temptations that are likely to be disruptive to a marriage that the average man usually does not face. And these obstacles are not confined to the male gender, they apply to well off females as well. All in all, having a great deal of wealth is not generally conducive to a long happy marriage. This is not a problem for all, but there are those who will succumb to these temptations.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseAnd people go to psychiatrists to get their problems solved?
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseI find all these studies stating the benefits of marriage to be fishy for the reason there is a huge self-selection problem. If one lives an unhealthy lifestyle, has mental health issues, or financial problems etc then one is much less likely to get married in than a person who was not facing those issues when single.
Reply to this commentLinkReport Abuse“One of the most consistent findings in psychiatric epidemiology is that married persons enjoy better health than the unmarried.”
This quote you use was from a study specifically about Black people. While another study might conceivably come to this conclusion for all races, to use it as an assumed truth for everyone is conjecture.
Also, while Ablow has many reasons to be questioned, you conveniently exclude that, in addition to his practice, he points to the high divorce rate as proof of marriage's instability. This post makes no mention of the 50% divorce rate in America (and higher for second and third marriages, a fact which Gingrich must not find comforting).
It also cites step-families as one " experimentation with varying relational forms". Aside from the bizarre notion of step-families being experimental, doesn't the formation of such families depend on marriage, the very act you trumpet? To borrow the analogy posited here, "This is like wishing water away in favor of something that will really quench one’s thirst."
Granted, Focus on the Family isn't exactly known for being forthright and honest but selectively picking argumentative points doesn't uphold your stance.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseAt least you had the good sense of running a 15 year old picture of Diaz. More recently pics make her look more like an alien grey.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseAnother reason I won't be attending any meetings with quack head doctors.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseVinnie Vegas : no kidding..And one of those men's magazines
Reply to this commentLinkReport Abusehad her rated number 4 hottest woman this year(Maxim?) in their list of the 100 hottest woman. I thought they were smoking crack or lost in a time warp, or both.
Vinnie Vegas : no kidding..And one of those men's magazines
Reply to this commentLinkReport Abusehad her rated number 4 hottest woman this year(Maxim?) in their list of the 100 hottest woman. I thought they were smoking crack or lost in a time warp, or both.
I don't want to brag, but I came very close to dating Cameron Diaz once, that is, until the court orders stopped my phone calls and letters.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseStealing a line from Churchill....
Marriage is the worst way to organize families except for all others.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseHaving been married three times and lived to talk about it, I consider myself absolute proof that marriage is good for you.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseA woman doesn't need marriage when she has been with A Rod.
Reply to this commentLinkReport Abuse@hughman:
This post makes no mention of the 50% divorce rate in America (and higher for second and third marriages, a fact which Gingrich must not find comforting).
Mark Twain said famously, "It's not that people don't know enough. It's that so much of what they know just ain't so." The 50% per cent divorce rate is indeed one of those things that everybody knows, but just ain't so. The statistic is skewed, first, by people who have multiple divorces during their lives. It might sound cruel to say, but someone who has one divorce is much more likely to get divorced in the future than someone who has never been divorced. And every one of those divorces counts as a failed marriage. Instead of asking, "How many marriages end in divorce?", ask instead, "How mayn people will get divorced in their lifetimes?" and the statistics look much better for marriage. But really, the whole statistic is outdated and was calculated in a boneheaded manner anyway. It arose from a study done for one year in the mid-seventies. A couple of researchers totaled up the number of marriages and number of divorces in that one year as best they could. Turned out that in that year the number of divorces was about half the number of marriages. Every since then, everyone has loved to say half of all marriages end in divorce.
Actually, many more recent studies have shown that something like three out of four first-time marriages will succeed. That's not great. In grade school it would only get you a "C". But it's miles better than the standard 50% canard.
Reply to this commentLinkReport Abuse"Marriage is (as it has been for decades now) a source of real suffering for the vast majority of married people."
It's obvious to me that the people who want to inflict this monstrous institution on gay people are homophobes.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseI definitely believe Diaz would eventually be unhappy in any relationship, as would most dodos in the entertainment industry. They're all narcissists. Narcissism isn't a good lifestyle for healthy marriages.
I've been married a long time...a wonderful, challenging, rugged, beautiful long time; well over three decades. I love my wife more than ever. She's my partner, best friend, and forever companion. I wouldn't trade her for anyone else. She's become the one for me through years of life together.
Suffering? Yes, there's that in marriage. Sorrow? That, too. Struggle? Yep. Pain? Uh huh. But there's stability from the suffering, sweetness from the sorrow, strength from the struggle, and joy from the pain. If you want a good marriage, you must endure the bad to recognize and fully appreciate the good.
Some time ago, my wife and I came to realize the success of our marriage had, at its core, nothing to do with our children, although we love them dearly, or with other loved ones, friends, jobs, or anything else in life. The success of our marriage was within us, each of us. It grew, first, out of a commitment to the institution, the very concept of marriage, out of service to one another, out of sacrifice, that is, restraint from our wants and needs in favor of the other's wants and needs.
I don't know that I can teach someone how to make a happy marriage, but I know it doesn't mix well with selfishness and I know, from experience, that a happy marriage is well worth any sacrifice necessary, and I believe its achievement is within virtually everyone's grasp. No, marriage will not die out, nor fade away. It is part of God's plan for each of us. It is eternal, like us.
LOVE OF DREAMS
Words cannot capture, nor express the depth of love I feel,
No precious earthly offering can match her sterling steel.
A life committed, heart and soul, unto the love she chose,
To every task and trial faced with grace and power rose.
Through troubles never dreamed about when we were young and bold,
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseWe conquer our own weaknesses through suffering untold.
She stands beside me, firm and true, an everlasting team,
While deep within us both is forged a love most only dream.
Glenn Beck is a
controlled asset.
Ask Keith Ablow.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseUnless I'm reading these reports from Pew incorrectly, I believe the research indicates that marriage is declining: External Link
And, that Millenials value parenting more than marriage: External Link
Did I miss something here?
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseFunny. I actually found Dr. Ablow's piece to be somewhat insightful- surprisingly, because I never lend any weight to the head-shrinking crowd. The whole philosophy seems based on the flawed premise (created by the godless), that talking, and drugs, can cure people of their problems. Perhaps in areas of severe mental disorder (schizophrenia, bi-polar etc.), but everything else seems to fit neatly, in the snake oil camp. Anyway, I am a BIG skeptic on that "settled" science.
Dr. Ablow makes a strong case for marriage being removed from government hands. Marriage was created by the Creator; it was designed to be a spiritual connection, a holy union between two people, man and woman. With government dictating, and now, defining marriage, we are on a roller coaster ride to hell. I fear it won't be long before America has homosexual, polygamist, incestual, statutory rape, and yes, even HORSE marriage. How about stuffed animal and blow-up doll marriage? I love my lawn mower, perhaps in a few years I'll be able to enter into mower marriage with it...
See where I am going with this? Absence of morality and God, anything goes. Progressive America has kicked the Creator out of every aspect of public life. Do we really expect it to uphold marriage? Ablow's point, removing marriage from the purview of the State, seems pretty salient.
He also believes marriage is cheapened by the contract. When all you have is a piece of paper holding a marriage together, the union is doomed from the beginning. Is it any wonder why the divorce rate is so high? Not to exclude the extreme social pressure (media, television, music, pop culture) to commit infidelity and other relationship killers. Most successfully married couples will tell you faith is the single most important ingredient in their married lives.
I disagree with his portrayal of marriage as a source of suffering for the vast majority of married people. And Ablow approaches the whole subject from a secular perspective. His other reasons for closing the coffin on marriage are extremely superficial. Men and women are wired to lose interest... Cohabitation makes it tough on couples... Men and women need to feel chosen and wanted... desire fades yada yada.
Who said marriage was supposed to be easy? It is hard work being committed to another person for life! Maybe if more people thought about their partner, instead of themselves, marriage stats would improve.
Regardless, marriage is a union designed by God, it shouldn't be redefined by man.
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