I can’t tell you how broken up I am by the news that much of SpongeBob Squarepants’ campaign staff — always excepting his lovely and talented running mate, Callista — has jumped ship for calmer seas and fairer trade winds, while the captain battens down the hatches and vows to sail on, sail on, sailor into the teeth of a typhoon.
What could possibly account for this Mutiny on the Squarepants? Maybe it was the skipper’s brave stance against the “right-wing social engineering” of Paul Ryan’s Rethuglican Medicare plan. That got him a predictable volley of grapeshot and cannonballs from your wingnut fleet, which obviously was outraged by the former Speaker’s telling truth to power, in this case a young congressman from Wisconsin, as he tried to curry favor with David Gregory.
Maybe it was his blithe disregard for the opinion of anyone but Callista, the president of Gingrich Productions, which is just about the only indie studio where I’ve never sold a pitch.
Maybe it was the Mediterranean cruise on which Cap’n Squarepants and his loyal first mate took off shortly after he hit the shoals of Meet the Press, because nothing says “I’m in it to win it” than taking the helpmeet on a cruise aboard the Seabourn Odyssey to Greece and Turkey a couple of weeks after you launch your electoral vessel. Unless you’re Barack Hussein Obama, going on vacation right after you start work is not a great idea.
And maybe it was that Tiffany bill after all. Because nothing says “I’m my own man” to the electorate than handing your third wife, who’s a mere 22 years your junior, a half-million dollar credit line at the jewelry store while you treat the rest of the crew to the lash.
So here’s my suggestion for what’s left of the SpongeBob campaign after the Squarepants Mutiny: move your headquarters to Timor or Pitcairn Island and, next time, just give the helm to Callista and get it over with.