A few weeks ago I was sitting around in a park with some college buddies, and one us asked the rest of us how many friends we had from a different generation. There was silence. So, how many acquaintances? Did we even, excepting our bosses and professors, speak to people one generation older, face-to-face, in a typical day? Did we speak to anybody two generations older at all? More silence.
I thought it was very sad, so I wrote an essay about it for the magazine, now online here. Here are two excerpts:
As Americans…began to move westward, we conceived of property less as a family trust to be preserved for our children because it was imbued with the spirits of our grandparents (as it was traditionally conceived — even in Christendom, which always preserved some element of ancestor worship), and more as a commodity to be taken, possessed, alienated, and leveraged for personal uses. In ancient Rome, a family was more possessed by its home than vice versa. In modern America, individuals own houses temporarily, their eyes fixed not on the intrinsic value of the land or the spiritual continuity it could provide, but on constantly fluctuating real-estate values and interests rates as they relate to a financial portfolio. The hearth around which three generations of one family could gather is now archaic….
Alienation from the elderly makes us ahistorical, senseless of what has gone into making our lives possible; it blocks the transmission of tradition; it creates a provincial chauvinism by letting each generation go unconfronted by the standards of the past, making all self-certain of their own, chronologically local mores; we lose humility, a sense of our human weakness and the impermanence of our bodies, when we are exclusively with the physically fit, the healthy, the attractive, the upwardly mobile, and never the declining; and most important is nothing extrinsic, but that we are missing out on other persons who deserve our love and friendship and knowledge, especially in the time when retirement and death of peers make one most vulnerable to loneliness.
I take a stab at a few other explanations for generational segregation, too — particularly cultural changes in the Sixties. And I take on Facebook (if that’s your thing), which is sort of faux-cosmopolitan, in that it makes our circle of acquaintances horizontally broader, but vertically more narrow — it incorporates people of all nationalities and all tongues but who are fundamentally of like mind into friend groups. The same thing is true of our hyper-mobile society in general, although in a less aggravated form. It all reminds me of C.S. Lewis’s The Great Divorce, in which the denizens of hell have a perfect autonomy that leads to perfect self-enclosure.
I encourage you to read the whole thing here, precisely because it’s a bad piece, in need of serious work — quite sketchy and incomplete. Several commenters have already pointed out flaws in it. But a lack of articulable solutions to the problem stems in part from the fact that people don’t seem to be discussing it. We ought to start the conversation.
P.S.: A few readers have written in lightly chastising me for generalizing about twenty-somethings. Though I aspire to become a curmudgeonly old man railing against kids these days, I should admit that I am, for now, 22. So, though there are exceptions to all trends, my general observations of youth culture should not be attributed to lack of experience or prejudice.
I talk to people both a generation older and a generation younger every week at church functions. I am in bible study with ladies from in their teens to in their 80s. I email or talk with my 90 year old mother every day. I talk to my young adult children every day as well as many of their friends. I learn so much from both, I just don't know how people can not be around those from other generations - how do you learn without being with them?
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseI, too, meet people from other generations at church. It's also a great way to meet people from a wide variety of backgrounds. My small church has people ranging from a homeless couple, teachers, aerospace engineers, small businessmen/women, a CEO, a CIA analyst, etc. And they come from all sorts of interesting places and circumstances (I'm not going to list races and sexual orientation, but there's variety there, too). If you only socialize with your schoolmates and colleagues, you're probably missing opportunities to meet a lot of interesting people.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseMatthew - I agree, completely. As someone who is about to turn the gavel of a Rotary Club over to my successor, recruiting younger folk has been a great challenge, yet all organizations like Rotary, Kiwanis, Lions, Optimists, American Legion, VFW, etc, need to continually replenish with youth - else they go the way of the Grand Army of the Republic...
I urge you to seek out (and encourage your friends, as well) the service clubs - it is a way to connect and network with multiple generations. The oldsters will grumble about your newfangled ideas, but they'll also be able to lend some wisdom. You bring in energy, fresh ideas, and enthusiasm - they'll write the checks to underwrite the ideas.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseMr. Shaffer's statement that Christendom has "...always preserved some element of ancestor worship" is an interesting assertion. Since his essay starts by mentioning a cathedral and a priest's radio show, I assume that his perspective is Roman Catholic. So as far as it applies to Romanism, I agree, ancestor worship is practiced to this day. Within Biblical Christianity, though, it isn't. I'm not surprised either that there's not much intergenerational fellowship in Shaffer's universe since the typical point of Mass is to do some physical gyrations, repeat what you're told, partake and then get out. Not so within my circle, where intergenerational friendship and conversations are common. That's a result of a faith that engages both the heart and mind -- that's not just salvation by ceremony. I'll end the bashing by saying that I've been forced to listen to Boomers most of my life on TV etc. and I'll assert in turn that the experience of "learning" from another generation can be overrated (except if it's to learn what not to be).
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseCAPTCHA wrote my comment for me "oh brother."
As a Catholic, I obviously dispute your caricature of the Holy Mass and dismissal I would like to point out that mass is not the only part of parish life. Personally, I have met most of my intergenerational friends through parish ministry. Therefore, I doubt that Matthew is observing a uniquely Catholic phenomenon.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseShadowfax, Do you agree with Matthew's observation about "ancestor worship?"
Reply to this commentLinkReport Abuse...and yet, if you play games online into your 50s, spending hours with people decades younger than you are, many will make fun of you.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseMy daughter and her grandmother spend hours together -- raiding in World of Warcraft.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseDonating time to almost any organization that's dependent on volunteers can easily expand our range of acquaintance to those of all ages and allow work and engagement with them as peers.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseMatthew, your observation is of great value. This segregation also is one of the drivers of medical costs. Where once families stayed together and the children cared for their elderly parents, now families scatter to the four winds, and children expect strangers to care for their parents, both emotionally and financially. (I have taken to asking anyone who yammers about the right to Medicare why I should pay for their parents' drugs--after all, they're not MY parents.)
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseMatthew, it's not a bad piece at all - you are a superb and articulate writer, discussing a subtle yet profound problem of modernity. Thanks for raising this issue.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseMr. Shaffer:
Why on Earth would you think that there was any relationship between the experience of you and some of your "college buddies" and that of other Americans - either generally or in your relative age group?
You need to get out of your bubble. There are more than 300 million Americans - when it comes to intergenerational relationships you know almost nothing about the experience of more than a handful.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseHow dare someone draw conclusions from anecdotal evidence! And on a blog, no less. I need to retire to my fainting couch, now.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseA few weeks ago I was sitting around in a park with some college buddies, and one us asked the rest of us how many of us agreed with the Haters on TV who don't think that President Obama is the Best President Ever. There was silence. So, how many of us had acquaintances who thought that President Obama wasn't the Best President Ever? Did we even know older people, such as bosses and professors, speak about President Obama in any but the most glowing terms?
More silence.
I thought it was very sad that so many people on TV seem to have less than the most favorable opinions of President Obama, so I wrote an essay about it for the magazine, now online here. Here are two excerpts:
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseBingo. His narrative appears to be a self-involved circumstance looking for meaning.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseAs a young hunter and fisherman I looked to the WWII generation for guidence. The values and outdoor experiance, not only fighting for Constitutional freedom and the 2nd ammendment, that those older vets had was not as availible for urban youths today. The lack of connection with the physical environment is a stumbling block to intergenerational comunication. If the virtual world is most important, the experiance of those in the actual world is less functional. Thus the superiority of the model to the physical observation. The narrative is superior to the actual performance.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseThere's this group called Boy Scouts - they make exactly the connection you mention. And, it's a great way to connect young parents, old parents, grandparents, and the youth to each other's generations. When that grandfather that no youth would otherwise look at twice is surrounded by boys craning their necks to see what he's showing them with a pocketknife and a piece of wood, or a fishing line and hook - that is priceless.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseI've even seen the Masons advertising for new members. Funny. But it does point out generational divides. What are young people who would've become Masons doing these days?
Not that I'm advocating for the Masons. Just saying.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseSome of us were curmudgeonly old men years before we turned 22. You have some catching up to do.
Reply to this commentLinkReport AbuseIn San Francisco (and probably in most American and European cities), things such as opera, ballet, and symphony are largely attended by the over-60 crowd. The small number of under-30s often seem to be students attending solely because they have to (enrolled in music appreciation at a college).
But at the contemporary dance group, down at the more hip arts center, the crowd is mostly under-40, with the over-60 being rare.
The same contemporary dance group tours to Carmel. I've seen them there, where the audience is rarely under 40, and mostly over 60. That's because you can be under 30 and survive in San Francisco, but not likely in Carmel.
Recently in SF I've been attending small events that sponsor young (well under 30) aspiring professional musicians. Their parents would be in their 40s. The audience, however, is almost exclusively over 60.
You won't find me at a Lady What's-her-name concert. Tony Bennett, yes, and he's much older than I am.
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