The Real Problem With Mitt Romney

by Peter Kirsanow

. . . is not so much that he causes cancer, but that he’s a member of the E. coli Club of Newton, Massachusetts, which, according to a close friend of Harry Reid, requires its members to rob women on their way to drugstores so they won’t be able to buy contraceptives they probably can’t afford anyway because of the Republicans’ (and Catholic Church’s) war on women, resulting in more unwanted children going to schools without books, causing them to become either felons or vampires who cut their classmates’ hair and strap dogs to the roofs of station wagons driven on crumbling roads and bridges spanning polluted rivers next to businesses the owners didn’t build on their way to shovel-ready jobs that aren’t that shovel-ready because Bain Capital will probably outsource them to China if Romney is elected by racists who don’t want to spread any more of the wealth around to the 100 million people receiving welfare benefits from a federal government that’s running a $1.7 trillion deficit because Romney hasn’t paid taxes in more than 10 years, despite the fact that he has enough money to buy his wife a blouse that costs even more money than the taxpayers lost on Solyndra, whose default requires that taxes be raised on the rich before we reach the fiscal cliff that everyone knows is George Bush’s fault.

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