Report: Romney Being Investigated for Animal Cruelty

by Peter Kirsanow

San Diego — A San Diego Police department spokesman confirmed today that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney is under investigation for extreme animal cruelty related to the abduction and possible abuse of a city trash collector’s dog.

Jeff Spicoli, who collects garbage in the exclusive La Jolla neighborhood, where the Romneys own a home valued at approximately $12 billion, filed a police report alleging that last week the former Massachusetts governor seized Spicoli’s black lab off the front seat of his garbage truck.

“Most people in the neighborhood are really nice,” Spicoli said. “They give us hugs and Gatorade — sometimes some awesome bud. Not Romney.”  Describing the incident in question, Spicoli alleged, “Dude comes running out of his mansion with like this psycho rich-dude look, grabs Buddy, straps him to the roof of his BMW station wagon, and takes off like a bat out of hell. Says he’s going on vacation. There was, like, no stopping him.”

Despite vigorous denials from an exasperated Romney spokesman, city file clerk Harry Reid, speaking on condition of anonymity, assured reporters that the Republican is, in fact, a suspect in several similar neighborhood incidents. “The word is out,” Reid told assembled members of the media, who nodded in agreement. “Romney grabbed the purse of Julia Smith, a neighborhood mail carrier, and made off with her birth-control prescription. Unfortunately, authorities arrived too late to stop him.” Experts have since attributed Ms. Smith’s six unwanted children to the incident.

Asked for reaction during the daily “Romney’s Gaffes” press briefing, White House spokesman Jay Carney said, “The president urges everyone to withhold judgment until the investigation is complete. But these reports are fully consistent with Romney’s utter contempt for the 47 percent, his relentless war on women, and his general weirdness.”

News intern Stephie Cutter contributed to this report.

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