The Zombie-Apocalypse Vote

by Jillian Kay Melchior

Jeffrey Goldberg asks the question in the back of all voters’ minds: When zombies invade, who do you want for president?

The mother of all 3 a.m. phone calls would begin like this: “Mr. President, very sorry to wake you, but it seems that a devastating pathogen has reanimated the dead and turned them into cannibals, and now they’re feasting on the living, especially in the swing states of Ohio and Virginia. Would you like me to assemble those members of the Cabinet who aren’t eating their deputies?”

Laugh away, but it’s a legit consideration.

Goldberg admirably weighs the merits of both candidates in a zombie apocalypse, though he doesn’t mention which would look most boss wielding a machete. Or whether bayonets are a good choice of weapon. Or whether Abraham Lincoln, vampire hunter, underwent such thorough vetting.

In the end, neither Obama nor Romney gets an unqualified vote of confidence from Goldberg and his source Daniel W. Drezner, author of Theories of International Politics and Zombies. However:

We both arrived at the name of a leader who might have the wherewithal to neutralize the zombie threat: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

“He would get out there and say, ‘Don’t be a moron, these are zombies — if they bite you, you’re gonna die,’” Drezner says. “What you need is someone willing to talk straight, someone with steady nerves.”

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