Rubio Rules (to Placate the MSM)

by Michael Auslin

Lest any of us missed the dog whistle the MSM let out in obsessing over Senator Marco Rubio’s abhorrent sipping of water in his SOTU response, the message could not have been clearer. Should the senator decide higher office is in his future, any movement he makes, down to the molecular level, will be relentlessly parsed, exploited, and mocked. (Suffice it to say this is because he strikes fear into the heart of the Democratic media in a way no one since Reagan has; I would pay to know how many nights Ezra Klein has lain awake, sweating and burning his fingertips on cigarette stubs plotting how to destroy the junior senator from Florida.)

Nonetheless, we and the senator have been forewarned. Hence, in the interest of bringing about comity between Senator Rubio and those who nightly stick pincushions into small Marco dolls, I thought a list of Rubio Rules would save us yet another national nightmare in 2016.

1. You can chew food, but don’t swallow.

2. Don’t walk too quickly. Or slowly.

3. Never sweat. And if you do, don’t wipe it away.

4. Don’t smile too widely. Never frown.

5. Avoid sitting on the edge of your chair. Don’t slouch back, either.

6. Never be seen going into a barber shop or shop of any kind, driving a car, waving to a neighbor, watching television, reading a book, unlocking a door, locking a door, putting on shoes, taking off shoes, etc.

7. Never take the stairs two at a time, but avoid using handrails, as well.

8. Try not to breathe too noticeably.

Feel free to add so that we can help the media learn to love the senator. 

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