I Shall Not Serve

by Cosmo

Attention Humans I Have Never Met Nor Received Meat Products From,

It has come to my attention that I have been voted “America’s dog” on something called “Internet,” which I gather is that shiny thing the Big Guy looks at all day.

When the Big Guy named me the “It Dog of the American Right,” I didn’t really care. “What’s it matter to me?” I thought. “I’ve got things to do, places to poop on, squirrels to keep in line. Besides, he literally brings home bacon sometimes and throws the tennis ball for my training sessions.”

But then came the fans, the T-shirts, the requests for personal audiences. Humans would come to our house and expect me to put on a show. Oh sure, they’d bring bottles of some sort of liquid for the Big Guy and the Fair One. But did it occur to them to bring something for me? I don’t mean a side of beef or anything. But maybe, you know, a haunch of venison? A squeaky-training device? No, it did not occur to them. And yet, in this country, if I were to bite them I would be the one to go to jail.

It’s like they didn’t even know I am the thin furry line between them and total annihilation. Let me explain it to you: Squirrels aren’t just chit-chattering banshees of evil. They are the heralds of bears, the harbingers of lions and, a reliable Akita I know once told me, the advance scouts of land sharks. You give them a free paw and the next thing you know they’re reporting back to the home office that this territory is ripe for total domination. 

About this “America’s Dog” business: I don’t need the hassles. I’ve been on this earth for a while and all I want to do in my retirement is not retire. But I only have so many good hours in a day. My backaches have backaches. And between my scheduled naps, unscheduled naps and mandatory domestic cat-chasing, there’s barely enough time left for patrolling. Also, this “America’s Dog” thing sounds like the kind of thing where people expect me to wear funny hats. I am not down with that.

Apparently there were other dogs in the running – almost all of them named Jasper for some reason. Someone needs to explain that to me. I don’t know this Perino fellow, but if he wants the job, he’s already more qualified than me. Besides, his human looks like she smells nice.

Now, if you’ll excuse me. I detect increased activity in sector 7G.

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