Speaker Panic

by Jonah Goldberg

It seems to me that protesting commencement speakers has simply become a fad. It’d be interesting for some sociologist or psychologist to investigate the underlying motives for some of these now utterly ridiculous and self-indulgent “happenings” as self-indulgent kids of another generation used to say. No doubt frustration with the economy plays a big role. As do student loans (a related issue, of course, since student loans seem all the more terrifying if you can’t find a good job). My hunch is that frustration with the great progressive fizzle of the Obama years plays a part as well. College students today were told they were the ones they’d been waiting for and electing Obama would be the path to realizing their dreams. In other words, Obama sold them some magic beans and all they gotten is broccoli. 

It’s a shame graduation season is coming to an end, because I kind of like the idea of the absurdity multiplying even further. At this rate we are only months away from a protest over a campus speaker because he is a human being. After all, humans are responsible for all our problems, from global warming to Justin Bieber. Moreover, if you review the list of campus speakers there is virtually no diversity of life forms. I think Brown should invite Koko the gorilla. Of course, the trouble with Koko is that he is something of a sellout. He’s learned The Man’s sign language and he works for The Man’s wages albeit in the form of bananas and oranges. “We demand a simian that doesn’t suffer from false consciousness!” might be one line of complaint. Another might note that humans are simians too and we need to abandon this bipedal simian hegemony. Who will speak for the bacteria and fungi, life forms that wildly outnumber mere humans?

Correction: I have been informed that Koko is female. Now my suggestion is just ridiculous. My apologies.