The Most Important Firewall

by Jonah Goldberg

Can we take a break from the presidential race to talk about something really important?

The gang from The Walking Dead has decided to make a stand in Alexandria. Good for them. 

Now, can they please follow some rudimentary rules of siege fortification? For instance, they need to clear the tree line back another 200 yards. More important? Moats. Lots of moats.

We know that zombies have a very hard time climbing out of ditches. And while it is possible that they could fill up to the point where the walking dead could walk over the trapped dead, it’s very, very, unlikely that this could happen by surprise. In other words a series of moats and ditches surrounding all of the Alexandria planned community (not the city) would make another massive horde-attack almost entirely impossible. Moreover, human attacks would be hindered as well. Earth moving equipment has to be pretty easy to find.

I know what you’re thinking: Moats would also serve to trap the residents inside the compound. Untrue! It would be very easy to leave ladders, planks and other makeshift bridges inside the perimeter making escape fairly simple. 

This raises a more sweeping and enduring gripe about The Walking Dead. There is way too little creativity among the living about how to deal with the zombie apocalypse. Weapons innovation, for instance, is at a standstill. Yes, sure, guns are still best. But ammo can be scarce. And firearms make noise. Why hasn’t anyone started manufacturing better weaponry? Consider Z Nation. Despite being an infinitely inferior zombie series, the characters at least spend some effort getting clever about their tools. Take for example Addy’s trusted skull smasher:

 

Would it really be too difficult for the residents of Arlington to make some spiky baseball bats? It’s amazing how many people keep using 3 or 6 inch blades. Spears would be preferable in most cases (they keep undead mouths at a greater distance). Ice axes might be ideal. But let’s not forget nail guns. Not great at a long distance, but almost ideal for close up action. Moreover, the nail supply is probably much greater than the bullet supply. 

The same goes for personal defense. I concede that part of the problem is the climate. No one wants to wear one of those outfits people use to train attack dogs. But, I’d still rather sweat in that than see someone turn my abdomen into a Moroccan communal meal bowl. Personally, I’d make it a mission to find a scuba diving store or outlet and get me some of that chain mail people wear when they dive with sharks. 

Anyway, discuss amongst yourselves.

 

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