The Corner

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Re: Heart of Dixie


Oh, boy. I thought I could acquaint myself with the essentials of Alabama
from a couple hours browsing in almanacs. No, no: Alabama is a lifetime
study, like the Holy Roman Empire… which, in some respects, it seems to
resemble, once you understand that the state religion is college football.
Check out this reader e-mail: “You have clearly been inundated with e-mails
by adherents of the scandal-plagued University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa
(SPUAT) Be aware that there is an enormous cultural divide in Alabama,
between supporters of Auburn University (right-thinking , well-educated, and
culturally sophisticated citizens, as a whole), and supporters of SPUAT, who
tend to have multiple tattoos, numerous missing teeth, and IQs smaller than
their waist sizes. Auburn people can be recognized by their intelligent,
well-mannered appearance, cultivated diction and grammar, and profusion of
navy blue and burnt-orange apparel. Should you encounter one of these noble
Americans, greet them with a hearty ‘War Eagle!’ and you will find yourself
accepted into the best that Alabama society has to offer. SPUAT supporters
tend to be hairy, smelly, and unkempt, usually slouching around in well-worn
and dirty crimson-and-white attire of hideous taste. They may attempt to
communicate with you by shouting what sounds like ‘Row Tahd!’ (actually
’Roll Tide,’ the battle cry of their athletic teams – paid hoodlums to a
man.) Avoid these in-bred lowlifes like the plague.”


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