Lincoln’s Gayness

by Jonah Goldberg

All of the debate about whether “the Illinois rail-splitter’s” weird behavior suggests he was gay reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from the Simpsons.

In “A Fish Called Selma” Noted film actor Troy McLure (You may remember him from such films as “The Greatest Story Every Hula-ed” and “They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall”) is in trouble. His career’s off track and his agent tells Troy that he’s got to get married, even if it’s a sham, to save his career.

Troy wants to marry Selma, but he’s got a dark, dark secret. Anyway, the relevant line:

Selma: Are you gay?

Troy: Gay? I wish! If I were gay they’d be no problem! No, what I have is a romantic abnormality, one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all cost. You see…
Selma: Stop!

Anyway, every time someone asks me if Lincoln was gay, I can’t help but respond: “Gay!? I Wish!”

Which doesn’t necessarily mean I buy that he was.

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